it has been three months,

it got better,

but why do i still love you?

sigh.

i missed you.

a lot.

and i want to help you

in every way that i can.

i want to hug you

but i don’t think you’ll ever be mine.

why?

why do i still love you?

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i saw you in the distance,

my heart stopped,

i panicked,

because i realised that i still love you,

but what am i supposed to do with this emotion,

when we both expect to move on but didn’t.

will we even allow ourselves a chance to get back together?

because i will,

but the ball is in your court,

my dear,

and i will leave the rest to God.

i love you but i need to move on.

4 Rules

  1. No Gifts
  2. Try to not have feelings for one another
  3. Try to move on
  4. Check on one another whether we are on the same page

someone once told me that, “We have to start a new chapter and see whether we like it or not and if we don’t we can move back to the previous chapter.”

i love her but i need to let go because there are so many more to be discovered and if she is meant for me, we’ll end up together, regardless.

my heart hurts but i know that it is for the better.

may we learn to be individuals ourselves and may we be better people at the end of the day. she will always hold a special place in my heart, she is after all, my first love and that will never change.

but maybe she is not what i need and she may not be who i’ll spend the rest of my life with but i’m glad to have been in her company and to be loved by her once upon a time.

may He make it easy for us

all of us want happiness but sometimes the happiness that we envisioned to be might not be the best for us.

Ustaz Mizi said in a tweet that to know that the person is for us is when we don’t know that we are falling in love. It is the kind of love that is easy and unexpected. We might not even be trying and we found our jodoh and I am coming to believe that that is how we should find the love of our lives. It does not mean that we do not try but it is when we are finding ourselves that unknowingly, we have found them.

and I wished to see that happen for myself.

and I think I cannot let go of the idea of being with her because she is the only relationship that I have ever known.

and I think the first thing I should, as painful as it is… is to stop trying. To stop trying to impress her, to stop trying to do good things for her, to stop going the extra mile for her. Because if she is meant for me, she would come back to me.

and maybe it is also a sign that I need to work on myself. I am not ready to be a husband nor a father. There are so many things that I want to do and so many dreams that I want to achieve… There are also so many things that I do not know about the world… and I guess if I am destined to be old and single, so be it (though I have yet to accept this fate if it so happens). I still doa that I will get married soon because I don’t want to be old and frail once my children are at their peak age. 😦

May Allah SWT make it easy for us.

this sucks

Yesterday,

my parents asked me if I already found a ‘replacement’. As usual, I didn’t show any emotion but inside I was shocked. I guess they expected me to move on quickly but unknown to them, I have not.

Every single day, I wake up thinking about her, I wake up wondering what it would be like if I actually realised all the mistakes that I did whilst with her…

I have not let go. As much as I think I have, signs such as counting down the days, thinking about what I would do with her, suffocating myself from the world… are clear signs that I haven’t moved on. I guess I managed to cope with it but other than that, I still loved her wholeheartedly as much as the day we separated, if not, even more.

Yesterday, I wanted to write a note, a note for her for when I would ask her out again but I stopped myself because if I were to do so, I would be hoping and I didn’t want to end up disappointed.

sigh.

I miss her a lot. Maybe it is because it is my first love and I hadn’t known any lover aside from her… but maybe I am just too infatuated with the idea of her…

As I run through the scenarios over and over again, I can’t help but realise that we are completely different people. I hate to say it but I guess we are. But I love her and I really want to try again. sigh. this sucks.

2 months

2 days ago, it was two months since the break up and amazingly, I feel wonderful. Though, it was not without much effort.

There was a point of time during those two months where I relapsed greatly and my emotions were almost out of control. However, I am truly blessed to have the social and emotional support of my friends to guide me and snap me out of it. But even after the two months since then, I still like her a lot. I want to say that I have moved on but I don’t think I truly will not with the possibility of us getting back together, wallahua’lam. Regardless, my feelings for her had never changed since then and I still love her as much as I did before. However, I am now more in control and I think I am confident enough to leave fate to Allah SWT.

It is unfortunate that we had to go through such a painful process just to learn a few lessons but I feel that such lessons had to be taught. I do not think I would have snapped out of my state of comfort and stagnation if not for the break up and I am eternal grateful. However, the pain that I had went through should never be felt by anyone at all.

But alhamdulillah, I have overcame the most critical phase of a break up and I am really grateful for Him for showing me the light. Alhamdulillah, I was able to see the hikmah behind everything that had happened and insyaAllah, I can only go up from here.

Some of my friends may want to ask me, “What if she falls in love with someone else?” and to that I would say, “Alhamdulillah, that makes it easier for me to truly move on.” Why? Because our soulmates have already been written long before we were created and if she and I are not soulmates, then it might be someone else out there, ultimately, He knows what’s best.

Though, sometimes I wonder if He is playing a cosmic joke on me because everywhere I turn to and everything that I do reminds me of her. It is definitely because a lot of our activities overlap but if Allah SWT truly wants to fulfil, “… distance [her] away from me if [she’s] not meant for me…”, He would have made it clearer and distanced her away from me but instead, she’s there… every… single… time… Well, it might just be mere coincidence but then again… nothing is by coincidence. Ugh. I just hope I get the answer soon.

Anyway, I’m just really blessed by everything that has been happening in my life and there are also many things going for me. I’m so driven right now too and I don’t think I would have matured as much if not for the break up.

Ugh. Thank you.

Disconnect

I need to disconnect… from everything.

I’m just tired. Legit.

I feel somewhat better today but still with my heartbreak, my close friend threatening suicide, FOC, Shura, Lab and today, an auntie who is already in critical condition… it gets super emotionally exhausting. Really.

The funny thing is that I’m not even thatttt close to the auntie but I think I’m sensitive to death and losing someone I at least know/recognise/touch and heck does it break me.

I empathise with the family and how painful it is.

Sigh. I need to leave.