First and maybe not last…

Let us begin this post with Bismillahirrahmanirahim, in the name of Allah, the Most Beneficient, the Most Merciful.

Bismillah.

This post will be a comprehensive review of the past 1 year of my life with Nur Syazana as to reflect on our relationship and to allow me to move on from it.

The past year with her was nothing short of spectacular. From the very beginning, I had the intention of marrying her and to live the rest of my life with her till we’re wrinkly and old. I had that intention because I didn’t want to waste the time knowing someone and then just end it just like that. However, I guess, Allah SWT has His plans. We can only plan and Allah SWT is the Best of Planners.

However, that beautiful relationship was not all smooth sailing. I believe that the true nature of the relationship begins when we start to have these ‘fights’ where we were unable to solve it. ‘Fights’ that are usually about being there for one another or how can we confide in one another better. It usually ends without a solution or maybe part of a solution that just doesn’t sit well with either of us. I guess it is because the solution requires us to change ourselves fundamentally, to make us into people we are not or not yet ready to be. It rarely turn sour but it was there, hanging overhead.

One of our museum escapades. I loved this day.

We truly enjoyed each other’s company and we loved one another deeply even without saying it. However, despite the fact that we are usually in the same place at the same time together, I realised that we rarely connect and our judgement of one another’s preference is rarely right. I realised this because I can never understand her body language or the words that she is saying as if she’s doing a million things at a time. There were a few times that I did expect her to understand what I meant without saying it but she didn’t. However, she’s not entirely to blame because I too have times whereby I didn’t know what she actually wanted until she said it. At that point in time, I thought it would sort itself out with time but I guess it didn’t.

There are also moments whereby our conversations are empty conversations. These conversations are short and do not go anywhere and even if they have the inkling of becoming a deeper conversation, we would suddenly be caught up in something else that drew our attention away.

Our first time trying the Ramen Stall at Bugis.

It is unfortunate that such things happen but I guess they were signs.

One such example is how my innocent banter or jokes are rarely taken as a joke but as something that offended her. I guess that was when I realised that my sense of humour are of the sarcastic sort and one that she 110% does not appreciate. I thought I could have been more sensitive to her and understand that there’s always a time and place for it but I later realised that it removes a part of what makes me, me. I understand that sometimes the humour that I subscribe to can be crude at times and I am definitely trying to control it but for those that aren’t and she still takes offence, that I cannot understand.

I guess there were also moments whereby I was a bit too insensitive to her by commenting on the things that she truly love. My EQ was low at that point of time and I am 100% to be blamed.

I also realised that our lifestyles are drastically different. She is the strict Muslim who is conscious of every single action that she does and is clear of her purpose on this Earth which is to serve Him and Him only. Me on the other hand is a meh Muslim who struggles with his religious obligations and attempts to feel His presence around but to only feel like a hypocrite. I guess from there it was clear that I can never be a good imam for her and guide our family in the way that she wanted to. Our understanding of religion and the obligations that we should carry are drastically different.

One thing that I truly love about her are her cheeks. I always teased her about them.

Furthermore, she was born and raised in a family that constantly better themselves in everything that they do but my family is one that seeks comfort. I think it all falls back into what we deemed as important and both of what we take as important do not align.

I guess those little differences in the way we lead our lives and how we carry ourselves are already signs of our incompatibility and as much as we would want to stay together, it might never work out and prolonged struggle would only damage our love for each other even more. I think that we might not be compatible now but maybe in the future, once we are wholes again, we might be.

Despite the many differences that we had, we also had so many similar things. We both love the arts and creativity. We both love museums and we both hate crowds. We appreciate so many of the same things but I guess the differences outweigh the similarities.

Whatever it is, I am still holding on to the hope that jodoh tak akan ke mana. If we are meant to be, despite years of separation, we might fall back in love and reconnect again and maybe only then we are better for one another. Maybe, we are just too early in the process and Allah SWT is just telling us that we need to work on ourselves again. We might be too reliant on each other that we fall away from being reliant on Allah SWT. Our love for Him might have waned and wavered and this could be a sign from Him to come back to Him.

This breakup does make me realise that I was so blinded by my idea of who she could be for me and the people around me that I couldn’t see that I was falling and neglecting things that should be important to me. I forgot about religion, self-development and knowledge. I neglected so many things after embarking on this journey with her and I wouldn’t have realised that if we had stayed together.

I guess as painful as it was, we had to separate and that was the only way. It is unfortunate but it couldn’t have gone any other way. It hurts like a b**** when we had to separate. It was as if a part of me was torn apart and ripped to shreds. It was as if my craving was not met and I was undergoing cold turkey from cocaine. It hurts so much that there’s this mild sadness that I feel at my throat as if I’m about to cry every single time someone mentions her name. But… it is for the better and I’m grateful for it.

I still love her though, very much so and I don’t think I can love anyone else in the near future as much as I loved her. She is one of my favourite person in the world and I just have to overcome that I lost her.

I thought we could be soulmates for life but maybe we can just stick to just being soulfriends. May we continue to impact one another in a beneficial way in this last year in school together despite not being ‘together together’.

Maybe we are meant to be or maybe we are not but regardless of what happens, I am blessed to have her by my side for that year and I am grateful for all the lessons that she taught me.

I love you, Syazana and my love for you will not disappear any time soon Maybe I need to learn to love you as a friend again. Thank you for everything that you’ve done for me and all the thoughtful gifts that you have bought for me. Thank you for spending so much ridiculous time with me and for hearing me out. Thank you for tolerating my nonsense and for always being patient with me. Thank you for being a great significant other and thank you for truly being a blessing for me and happiness that I can truly depended on. Thank you for being you and I sorely miss you.

She’s a beautiful person inside and out and I don’t ever want to see her in a bad light. Thank you.

Love, Hakim

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it’s over

I’m writing this after it has been made official that we are both going to go about our separate ways.

I don’t know what to feel except disappointment. I’m am utterly disappointed at myself.

After hearing her side of the story, I understood that she was very pessimistic of trying again and I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone that is half-hearted. Furthermore, it seemed as if she’s in so much pain when she’s in a relationship with me, not being able to release her frustrations… I guess it was the only right thing to do.

It hurts. Of course it hurts. There were so many good memories that I had with her, so many beautiful moments in my life that I will never forget but what can I do if I cannot provide what she needs. It is painful to know that you have to leave someone you care for so deeply. It is painful to let go of someone you loved so very much but it is the only good thing left that I can do.

I will try to win her back in the future once we’re better people. Maybe if she is truly my jodoh, it will happen regardless. I don’t know what He has planned for me but I’m just going to do good with the opportunities that lay in front of me. I guess we have to work on ourselves for we are broken people.

I’m just… I don’t know. I miss her a lot. I miss her smiles, her laughter, her everything but I know… I know that I have to let her go. I’m sorry friends and everyone that rooted for us. I guess things can happen to the best of us.

I really really like you Syazana, I don’t think that will change any time soon.

Lessons Learnt

It hasn’t been a good few days.

Who would’ve known that it would come to this?

I guess the signs were there all along but I wasn’t able to do anything about it. I should’ve known. I really should’ve.

I know that I can go through it if it comes to that but I just don’t know how long. I’m good at keeping my emotions at bay which sucks because most of the time I don’t know whether I am truly sincere or whether I just have no emotions.

But I really feel more disappointed than sad. Disappointed because of my failure to do anything about it and disappointed because it might have been a wrong call on my part. Sigh I have placed so much hopes and dreams and I really thought we could pull through…

I have made my proposal and I just hope we’ll try one more time but I had promised that if she is less than a 100% for it, I’d rather not pursue. A one-sided relationship is not what I want, ever.

Maybe we might be better suited for each other in the future or maybe not at all. Maybe that was my one and only chance at love? Who knows. Whatever her decision is, I’ll respect it. Whatever happens, I’ve tried my best and may it be part of the long list of lessons I’ve learnt in life.

Attaining God-Consciousness

In recent years, there has been a rise in the popularity of mindfulness meditation which is to focus oneself on being in the present and to calm the mind. One has to be mindful of their surroundings and seek calmness in the chaos that is happening all around them. In a way, the Islamic prayers are similar. We are supposed to be in the present as we are facing Him in His absolute presence. We are supposed to be aware of every single movement that we do and every single word that we speak. However, there is a reason why I said, ‘supposed’. In actual fact, most of us are not in the state of khusyuk. I am also hardly in that state and it is crazy hard to constantly bring yourself back to the present. Even now as I’m typing this, my mind is running through a million different things, predicting the future and looking back at the past. During prayer, that is how my mind is. It seems distracted by every single thought at every single moment, buzzing from one memory to the next and that makes it very hard for me to attain khusyuk.

But ultimately, that is what we want to attain, that intense focus and being present in the sight of Allah SWT. The practice of mindfulness is to constantly bring your mind back to the present, to catch yourself before the mind flies to another memory/thought/idea and such. And it takes practice, lots of it. What we can do now or what I think we can do is to constantly be aware of when our mind gets distracted regardless during prayer or work or during your every day commute. We have to try to constantly be mindful of the tasks that we are doing and the energy that we put in.

It is definitely easier said than done because of how our minds are influenced by the things around us (especially the painfully noxious rapid environment in Singapore) but I think that by constantly being mindful can bring a lot of beneficial impacts.

Why I wanted to do this is because I feel that I am missing out on that crucial ingredient in my iman which is to have peace and tranquility and to attain what Muslims term, God-Consciousness. In Ramadan especially, we are highly encouraged to do good things and think good things; to attain that third level of fasting which is to control the tongue, the heart, the mind and every action that we are doing. That is the real challenge.

Everything else doesn’t matter now.

My happily ever after…

It took quite a while for me to start writing this.

The date was 8/5/2018 when I first asked her what is our status, whether we are dating or together. That was when I left everything from then on to fate.

It has already been a year together and despite all the fights that we had, the bickering that we do and all the disagreements, I think we can work out for the long run. In the past year, I truly had learnt a lot about her and about how relationships function. In the beginning, to be honest, I had this idealistic dream that everything will be smooth sailing from then on but obviously, I was wrong. There were so many things that I completely didn’t expect. Maklumlah, ini kali pertama dan insyaAllah yang terakhir. Anyway, I truly did learn a lot from her. This relationship showed me that I cannot always hold to the belief that she will accommodate to me but it is a shared responsibility to accommodate to one another. It has taught me about sacrificing your own selfishness for the benefit of another person. It has taught me to care, to respect and to hold my tongue when needed because I’m no longer only representing my self interests but that of hers too.

There will always be a moment in a man’s life where they will learn to become more mature. I guess this was my moment. She taught me to be more controlled and more mature in thinking and to always look for the good in others, to always put others before self and care for them regardless of their perceived intentions. She had showed me that one can always give back to society regardless of how small we think the action might be. However, ultimately, what she had shown me is her belief in Allah SWT and that she completely leave it up to Allah SWT for whatever that happens to her. Her level of syukur and trust in Allah’s plan had made me reflect on myself and of the actions I did. I’m ashamed…

I’m really ashamed of myself and it is a self-improvement journey that I will continue to struggle against. However, I’m just very happy that she’d stayed with me through all of this and I’m just glad that I’ve made the decision back then. I truly didn’t know what will happen back then but to be frank, I have no regrets at all. I’m blessed to be in her company and I just pray that she will be my happily ever after.

Faith in shambles

Am I in a faith crisis?

Possibly.

I mean not in the way where I am losing faith in Allah SWT and my belief in Him but more about how it feels super hard for me to have a connection with him. As of late, my feelings towards prayers are more of feelings of ‘this is something that I just need to get out of the way’. It is not a feeling that you want to have when you’re trying to connect to the Lord of the Worlds. It is a scary thought that I am actually being dragged away from Allah SWT.

I also realised that I no longer feel good when I’m talking about religion as if I’m out of place. I think it is the hypocrisy of my actions that is slowly seeping into my character. I feel that because of the things I did, I severed that connection with Him and I need to work a million times harder just to get it functioning again. That’s is why I feel that Ramadan came at a good time when my iman is the lowest.

The last time I felt this way was wayyyy back in the day when I was full of ignorance. It is a time that I wished I will never go back to but it seems like it did catch up after all, unfortunately.

I think that living a life of short-term pleasures and hedonism really destroys your heart and soul. You are left empty and hurt by your own actions. It is as if you are fighting with a devil version of yourself, every. single. day.

But I hope that with this Ramadan, it will help me get back on track. I don’t think it will change me because Umrah surely didn’t, unfortunately but I guess it might be just me tripping over and relapsing once in a while. However, I am confident that I’m done with this. Forever.

I need to continue to be busy and obsessed with work. To have a goal in life.

So, Ramadan will be a month to better myself yet again (to say that I will strive to be better is becoming hella cheesy because we know that it won’t happen. Ah heck.). Anyway, yes. I will become better. Here are possibly the daily rituals that I will try to do every day:

  1. Read one page of the Quran (at least) beginning from Surah An-Nas.
  2. Read 4 books this month (try to read more because you have nothing to do).
  3. Go to the masjid for Terawih at least 4 times per week (20 rakaats, JGN WEAK PLS).

LIFE GOALS:

  1. Test out the supply chain of Print-on-Demand
  2. Learn Facebook/Instagram Advertising
  3. Complete product research
  4. Design at least one design per day

FYP:

  1. Research.

FOC:

  1. GET IT UP AND RUNNING!
  2. LETS GET THIS BREAD.