and with every reading week, stress is at the maximum.
Everyone is on edge, or rather… almost everyone.
I have a few things to do.
One. To not be distracted. I shouldn’t be distracted.
Two. hustle. get back that mojo that I had when I was in Year 1.
It has been a while since I’m in-tuned and in focus. This is the week. Bismillah.
Three. Prioritise. Prioritise the important things. 9 days till my one and only finals. Just. 9. days. Of. Focus.
Just get some rest oh heart.
Don’t chase after something that will never stop running away from you.
it has been a long time since I talked to myself. I think, in a way, I’m afraid of what I might discover deep inside.
Many things have happened since I was away. One of the things is that I’ve finally completed and submitted my thesis. It was a 10-month long work and I’m just so happy that it is over. I had to struggle with many things throughout those 10 months but I am blessed that I managed to trudge through it.
and that’s all over.
But I guess, in a way, I have yet to completely move on from the past.
There was a girl that entered my life and I was truly interested in her but I guess because I did not completely moved on, I tried to find traits that were never in her, traits that reminded me of my ex. That was unfair.
So I became uncomfortable when things began to happen too quickly. I had to take a pause which led to my current situation.
To be honest, I yearn to be back to I was before. At least when I was in pain, I placed my heart in Allah’s hands. I trusted in Him and I sought comfort in Him but now, I feel like a hypocrite. I feel like I’m trying to build my own future instead of navigating the one He had planned for me. And I’m trying too hard that it is leading to disappointments.
Maybe time is what I need? Distance? I don’t know but what I know is that I need to trust in Him a 100%. The future has already been written and whatever He has planned for us will happen, regardless. A friend of mine told me that I should not do anything. Anything meaning that I should not put in much effort to move in any particular direction but go with the flow. And I think that is the best thing to do now. My heart is confused and I guess I just need Allah SWT to slowly unravel what He wants for me and what He has in store for me.
I should focus on other things in life like my career which I think should be prioritized.
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Beneficient.
This is a reflection of how two friends became lovers and wound up as ‘almost friends’ again.
I decided to pursue her for I felt that she was the right one for me. She has the religion, the social standing, a really good and supportive family and also everything else that I want in a wife. We started to date and it was such a smooth-sailing ride in the beginning. We loved each others’ company and spent so much time together and I loved her for what it was.
But then when busyness starts to kick in, we became distant. I mean we were there physically but we were distant in our ideas, decisions and what we want for the future. We started to clash in terms of our principles and our ideals. There are certain boundaries that she didn’t want to cross but I do so any way and there are also certain things that she didn’t want for us in the future but it is my dream any way. I would not say that we fought but there was a huge breakdown in communication. She could not tell me what she wanted and I could not convey to her what I wanted. Our ideas continued to clash and even after a year, we did not grow much as individuals. We could not benefit from the strength of one another and we proceeded to hide from each other. More often than not, I treated her as someone that I am confident of marrying without realising my flaws while for her, she is no longer sure whether I’m the one for her.
So the relationship started to go downhill. As we got busier with our own lives, there wasn’t much time to converse and reflect on our issues. It starts to really break down when one day I realised that she was truly avoiding me. I guess when I said that it is as if it was her fault that it finally ended but it was also mine for not realising that I shouldn’t have taken the relationship for granted. It was also my fault for not realising that we were not in fact compatible. She was good in every way but she wasn’t compatible with me. She is the perfect one for that someone out there but not for me. She is a great person and I didn’t realise that she deserves so much more.
And so the day arrived where we had the talk. I was sad of course. Well… confused and frustrated too though I realised that the way I acted was as immature as it can be. I had the impression that it’ll work out, that we’ll work it out but I was wrong. She told me straight that it is not going to work out and that the relationship has to end. We were not growing together nor were we getting the strengths of the other. She had consulted Allah SWT and she couldn’t see us together. She was very confident in that and I believe that she had full trust in Him.
Of course, I was distraught. Weeks go by and I felt destroyed and sad. I couldn’t come to terms with what has happened and it took me a while to process it all. That’s when I began to cry. I cried because the pain was unbearable. It was as if my heart wanted to pump out of my chest. I loved her so much and just like that, my heart is ripped apart. Even until now, I can feel that but I know that I had to let go.
I wasn’t one to annoy the crap out of a person and demonised them for breaking up with me or doing something bad to me but in the past 4 months, I held on to hope. Some small hope that she would realise that I was the one she was looking for all along. But the decision had been made and she is not the kind to go back on her words. She had moved on.
I guess it was easy for her because she was the one who pulled the trigger and she did it with intense clarity. And I slowly had to accept the fact that it ended.
Months after, I still feel the pain, that pain in the chest that I can’t describe other than it is an intense pain. I loved her and I still do but now, I’m shifting it into caring for her.
A few days ago, we met and she gave an ultimatum: our chapter is closed and that there is no hope in opening it again. I accepted it with open arms because that was the sign I was looking for. I prayed to Allah SWT for a very clear sign and that was it. To not accept it would be an egoistical act. As much as it hurts to hear it from her, it was something I needed to finally let go, to finally be free from the shackles of my love for her. To finally snuff out that final 1% of hope I had of getting back together with her. But to be honest, all of this is Allah’s plan and if He wants us back together, He would. But in human terms, our chapter has ended and it is time for the both of us to move on with our own lives. We shouldn’t have any emotional baggage left and we shouldn’t have any strings attached to one another any longer. I guess that talk gave me clarity on the path that I had to head towards and that talk had severed all strings that was left connecting our hearts together.
It would be a lie if I said that I have 0 feelings for her because I still do but I know that such a feeling will no longer matter and it will die down soon enough.
I just pray that she will be granted the best of husbands and someone that is truly made for her and not someone that is broken. I pray that she will continue to discover herself and make the best decisions for herself. I pray that she will always be smiling and happy and not be trapped in a cycle of emotions. I pray that one day when we meet each other again with our lovely families, we will be smiling and happy knowing how much we’ve grown from here and how much we had helped one another grow.
With the break up, I had learnt so much about myself. I had gotten closer to Allah SWT and trusting in Him and His decisions. I sought His comfort and am also more in control. I feel that I had also matured in the ways I deal with people and alhamdulillah, if not for the break up, I wouldn’t have realised any of these. May I continue to grow as a person.
So here it is…
Thank you, Ana, for everything. For the love that you have showered on me, for the care and concern you have given me and for the listening ear I needed. Thank you for being such a wonderful best friend while it lasted and for always trying to support me in my dreams. Thank you for being you and always holding on to that. Thank you for everything, truly. I wish you the best and may this chapter ends as beautifully as it had started.
I hope that you find that someone that you will love completely and wholeheartedly. I hope that you find that someone that will love you for who you are and not who you aren’t and I hope that that someone loves you back as much as you love him. I always say this but Ana, you truly deserve the best in this world and also the Hereafter.
With all the love in my heart,
Till the next chapter in my life…
Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.
i know that you’re not looking for a relationship right now and that you’re not in the right state of mind.
i miss you so much.
for three days we didn’t speak.
we didn’t even acknowledged one another.
but i just want you to know that i miss you so much. sh**. i know i have to move on. i know that you might not be the one for me but whenever i see your face, whenever i hear you speak, whenever there is an inkling of you… i recall of all the promises and all the things that could have been. i’m not nice. i’m not what you’re looking for. i know but oh please make this easy for me…
ya Allah why do i still have to feel this pain? ya Allah, why do i still feel sad? ya Allah, why can’t my heart move on. why does her face haunt me when i sleep, when i wake up, whenever…
ya Allah, my heart yearns comfort and only you can give me comfort and i sincerely beg you to give me some. i can’t focus like this… i can’t do anything like this ya Allah. please let me forget. please let me get better. ya Allah, please.
throughout the three days, i’m always on the lookout for her, i’m ashamed. i’m embarrassed to once call her ‘sayang’ and now, not even a smile. i’m sorry ana but i can’t bring myself to do it. i love you so much and i still do. oh my heart… please let her go.
it’s been 4 months and… sigh. let her go already.
I just want Him to mend my heart you see… it is left broken and torn and I just want it to be whole and complete again.
I want to have full trust and faith in Allah SWT and I just hope that He hears me. I know that He listens and I know that whatever comes next is good but sometimes I just want a clearer sign.
I need His help and I need Him to sustain me throughout my every existence and if not for my faith in Him, I would be in such a mess.
May He mend this heart of mine and may I completely learn to let go and leave the rest to Him. Jodoh tak ke mana and that too shouldn’t be my focus as of now.
My every existence is because of Him and I let Him guide me. May I continue to be humble and may my faith be ever stronger.