The Final Stretch

It has been 11 days since I last blogged and that last post shouldn’t even be counted as one.

Anyway, Reading Week is finally here and thus, it marks the end of my third semester in university.

Well. To be honest, I don’t know what to feel about this semester. The first 3/4 of it has been in utter chaos, chasing deadlines, running around, participating in events, more running around…

I really don’t remember much of what happened early this semester. I guess I was just in a rush day in and day out that I couldn’t truly appreciate Time. Come to think of it, it is kind of sad. Also with the lack of blogging, I couldn’t ‘upload’ my thoughts like I used to. I should really get back into that habit.

I guess it is because of the commitments that I have. Looking at it, it wouldn’t be easier next semester, maybe even worse but insyaAllah, I can get through it just like how I survived this semester.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love school and everything and anything that has to do with it but sometimes, sh** gets hard and sometimes your performance in school constantly disappoints you. All I can say that I’ve tried my best.

Now, have I really?

I have been dividing myself into millions of parts and never really diving into my own work 100% at a time. The split-attention here and there means that I couldn’t unleash my true potential in any one task which kind of disappoints me.

Sigh.

But I signed up for this. I signed up for the hustle. I signed up to make myself better and to give what I have back to the community. Maybe, I might even be catching up on lost time, time that I have spent wasting away in junior college and in secondary school.

Oh well.

I have about 2 weeks before my finals. That isn’t a lot of time but I hope that I can really put my all into this final stretch. I don’t want to disappoint myself. Not again.

 

Advertisements

How fast time flies

It is interesting to see and realise that time pass by so quickly.

In almost an instant, we’re in Week 10 of the school term.

And what have I done in the past 10 weeks? Nothing much, barely surviving.

I think this is the start of something new for me. I have finally sunken in into sort of a daily routine and I think that I am finally getting my sh** together even though I planned to take control of that like 8 weeks ago.

Anyway, yea. I’m excited for the last few weeks of the school term and to get this semester over and done with.

I think over the months, I have dropped a very solid routine that had given me a sense of control over my life but I guess due to roiling emotions and the lack of discipline, I’ve discarded most of them.

Such things are like:

  1. Exercise: I have yet to start exercising regularly, independently. I am trying to run frequently but yea, the key word is ‘TRY’. Since Silat is on an off-season right now, I don’t have other avenues or allocated time to exercise.

    Furthermore, it has been months since I last when to the gym and gosh, I’m kinda missing the weights but I don’t think I can allocate time for that. An approximate of 1.5 hours in the gym 4 times per week is too much of a burden out of my day of approximately 16 hours.

    What I can think of is to do a marathon-style training where running is the main thing accompanied by some calisthenics. Heck, I need to do this thing.

  2. Studying: I sort of found a way to study smart (like finally). The use of mind-maps seem to work for me and I think I will continue on that route.

    I need to start revision too. I don’t think I can afford to risk any more marks in this final stretch.

  3. Routine: Routine is key to success and I was so motivated in the past. Unsure why sh** happens but yea, I need to find that routine again. Now, I have sort of a routine but I just have to keep my discipline up.
  4. THE HUSTLE: I guess this is the most important thing that I’ve lost in the past few months. I hadn’t been hustling as hard as I wanted to and even if I did, I didn’t feel it.

    It was what that drove me and now, I’m quite disappointed in myself.

Anyway, that’s that. Just a few things for me to think about and fix. Can’t wait to get back on track. I am trying.

Well. I did.

Well…

I did tell her like after so long but I guess due to the circumstances, it changed the meaning of it all.

If you don’t know me, I’m a true believer in practicality, efficiency and making the best out of everything I do. I am also a true believer of the environment impacting the choices that we make. This extends from the simple day to day choices of buying food to the more intangible things such as love and emotions.

And… it is the latter that I think kind of changed the moment.

I guess she’s right. I mean I can’t trust my own emotions in this case and I’m as hell of confused on what to do about it. It might be real, it might be a creation of the mind, it might be anything in fact but my true self really believed that the environment that I am in played a huge role.

This as hell does not mean that I wouldn’t have been attracted to her if not for the circumstances, hell no. A bright mind will always be a point of attraction for me but yea, the circumstances might have changed the way the feelings could have developed.

It’s long… I had feelings for her for so long but in retrospect, everything could have been different and more… natural. I don’t know. Things happen and I can’t change that.

Sigh.

Now, I have to learn to let go. It’s hard you know, letting go of emotions just like that. I’ve done it a couple of times before, suppressing emotions, but I had never let it developed as long as this. It’s not fleeting and I know how fleeting emotions are like.

I don’t know. I’ll just do what I can.

This quote from ‘In the Mood for Love’ sums it up nicely,

Feelings can creep up just like that. I thought I was in control.

I thought I was in control. Turns out, I wasn’t.

Till next time.

Allow me to stop short

It is all my fault for falling into emotions.

Like I’ve said months, years before…

These emotions are burdensome. As much as they make you feel human, it distracts you from what you should really strive for which is to continuously improve yourself. Go explore, get experiences, understand yourself deeper, internalise nature.

There’re so many things that you can do if you’re not distracted by emotions.

I stopped short because there are signs, bad signs telling me not to proceed. I will listen to those signs.

Oh well.

The movie, ‘In the Mood for Love’, put it nicely:

“Feelings can creep up just like that. I thought I was in control.”

And it turns out, I wasn’t.

The combination of being in close proximity, psychology and boredom might have played crucial roles in the creation of such emotions.

Hell.

Whatever it is, it is time to focus on the self, the hustle, the work.

Till next time.

Stop

Emotions are burdensome.

I’ve always told myself time and time again that having feelings are just draining. It seeps the life force out of you and it distracts you from what truly matters.

I mean it isn’t practical at all.

This is all besides the problem of reciprocity.

Sigh.

There really isn’t any good things that can come my way anyway.

I should just stop.

Yea. I think it’ll be for the best.

 

InsyaAllah

I think I needed that.

This evening, I had a tea session with the Shura (basically, they are advisors). They are just there to check on us, to get to know us better and to give us advisors on the best way to move forward, be it in MS-related events or in life in general.

And I think it went superbly well.

I don’t know but after so long (about 6-8 weeks) of finding my bearings, I felt so much lighter as if a heavy burden is lifted off of my shoulders.

I am not sure why but I guess the combination of hilarious banter along with their sound advice really did help to recalibrate my mindset.

What I realised is that I’ve been so caught up on the ‘immense’ workload that I seem to have that I forgot that in the end, there’s a higher purpose of why I’m doing all of this. I forgot that in the end, as long as I do my best, everything else is up to Allah SWT. Nothing else matters other than doing something for the sake of Allah SWT alone.

The tasks that we do on a daily basis is minute and almost insignificant. I guess the thought that they’re ‘big’ tasks blew them up and out of proportion to the extent that I began to believe that they are really ‘huge’ and ‘massive’ tasks. In fact, they aren’t as what I made myself to believe.

To be honest, I feel really great now as if I was recalibrated back to last year. Do one task at a time, have composure, hustle and move on. Do not overthink it, do not ponder about it too much, do not panic.

I can do this.

InsyaAllah.

 

Safeguard Yourselves from Broken Hearts

It’s okay to like someone but what is not okay is to do something about it even though you’re not ready to get married.

“Islam wants to be pure to your spouse so you can really enjoy your spouse, so you can be with them with your heart and soul.”

–Nouman Ali Khan

You don’t want to have your mind lingering for someone else, you don’t want to be scarred because of past relationships. You do not want to be incomplete when you marry someone.

So safeguard yourselves.

Who’s there? Death, Death I am.

Death should be in our minds all the time.

I don’t mean paralysing you, scaring you every second of your life.

But the thought of death should be at the back of your mind, tugging, tickling, pulling at your consciousness. It should be subtle but obvious to remind us of it.

Death is a good reminder to us all on why we should always do good, why we should always act the best and behave well, all the time, whenever. To enjoin in what is good and forbid anything that is evil.

We don’t want to be caught off guard by death as we are committing a sin? We do not want to die while sinning. Imagine being exposed and unable to defend your own dignity. What a tragic way to end isn’t it?

However, we’re still human after all and by being human means that we’re still prone to sin no matter how hard we try. But, that doesn’t give us an excuse to sin. We should try our very best to not sin.

I guess you can say that free will comes with a cost but also remember that if we are able to obey Allah SWT, we’re better than the angels.

I guess I’ll leave you guys at that. Think about death once in a while, know that it is coming for you so you have to be at your best when it comes knocking… on… your… door.

Knock. Knock. Knock.