End of the Year

The end of the year is just around the corner. 

And yet again, it calls for another reflection. 

However, I’m going off to fly soon and so, this post might just be a brief intro to the reflection I might have and think about during my travels. 

Here are the things that I might want to reflect on:

  1. My work ethic
  2. School
  3. Emotions
  4. Goals and Successes/Failures
  5. Future Endeavours

I guess there seems to be quite a few thingd to talk about and I really hope that I get to reflect on all of them. 

Generally, I think this year has been quite chaotic but nevertheless, just like any other year, it has it’s own set of challenges. However, I’m glad that I managed to overcome a lot of them and only through the struggles that I managed to grow. 

Alhamdulillah, in the end, things turned out fine. 

Well. Stay tuned for more posts in the near future and be sure that I’ll vlog. 

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Some thoughts.

In the midst of examinations.

It is about 4 hours until my next paper but I have a thought that I think I should write down.

Develop yourself.

I mean really.

I guess it all goes back to practicality.

How can you take care of someone else if you’re basically a half-baked potato?

How can you expect someone else to depend on you if you can’t even depend on yourself to survive?

Who are you to think that you can have someone if you’re basically an imperfect good?

You’re incomplete and I don’t think anyone deserves something incomplete.

I mean there are people who talk about wanting to grow together and such but putting aside the romanticism of it all, it is going to be painful.

Develop yourself, find yourself first.

 

 

Jealousy. Sigh.

As of late, I found out a really bad trait that I have, jealousy.

Ouch.

Out of all the other bad traits that I have, I cannot believe that jealousy would be the one that I have. Really. I am legit surprised when I realised this.

Like, heck. I can’t believe I feel this way. I mean, even though I know that it is not proper and all, and not a place for me to say anything, but I still feel a strong sense of pain and jealousy. Like… I feel that I am shortchanged in one way or another.

Sigh. I mean I shouldn’t even feel this way but sadly I do.

Why though.

It has already happened several times and myself, if I don’t solve this soon, it might become a huge baggage in the future.

Gosh, I really hope I don’t carry this emotion all the way into adulthood. It is just isn’t right.

Back to the grind.

Times change but memories remain the same.

Over the past semester, there are many things that happened and many things that didn’t.

There were many things that I am disappointed in and many things that I’m proud of doing but I guess, in the end, I’m happy to say that I tried.

Going back to my commitments, I am given the power to do so many things and I think looking forward, I should take advantage of the blessed position that I am given.

Okay, now, back to work.

It’s real isn’t it?

Like every other day before going to bed, I will look at myself in the mirror. Today, unlike any other day, I had pretty grown stubble. I guess it was because it was a stay home Sunday and thus, there was no need to shave.

Nonetheless, there was this stubble on my face.

Then I realised, it is real isn’t it, this… adult thing?

For a split second I was afraid, thinking that this was a dream because just a few years back, I hadn’t had this stubble, let alone the ability to grow one. But now, at 22, the impending doom of adulthood is obvious.

Gosh, it felt like it was just yesterday that playing Yugioh under the block was the only thing that I looked forward to and getting caught playing is the only thing that you’re afraid of. Now, there are so many things that you have to learn how to do, from paying your own bills to juggling finances to knowing how to buy a house etc. Just adult stuff.

Then, it hits you harder again to realise that your close friends are getting engaged or married and the events that you go to are weddings and 20+ aged birthday parties. It hits you even harder when you realise that those credit card people in malls are approaching you instead of your parents, thinking that you looked adult enough.

Now, you begin to think about so many different things and your uncertain future. Now, you got to think about a career, romance, work-life balance, family time, social time and juggling all of them around. How?!

Gosh.

That’s a lot to think about and I guess most of us are not ready for it.

To me, it feels as if taking a huge leap of faith not knowing what lies on the other side but taking it anyway because I have to. Because staying in one spot will not bring me anywhere.

Apologies. I know I had already posted one today but I feel that this is a really real thing. Something that I am low-key afraid off that has to be talked about because I think many people share the same sentiments.

Wow.

Adulting… It is real eh?

The Final Stretch

It has been 11 days since I last blogged and that last post shouldn’t even be counted as one.

Anyway, Reading Week is finally here and thus, it marks the end of my third semester in university.

Well. To be honest, I don’t know what to feel about this semester. The first 3/4 of it has been in utter chaos, chasing deadlines, running around, participating in events, more running around…

I really don’t remember much of what happened early this semester. I guess I was just in a rush day in and day out that I couldn’t truly appreciate Time. Come to think of it, it is kind of sad. Also with the lack of blogging, I couldn’t ‘upload’ my thoughts like I used to. I should really get back into that habit.

I guess it is because of the commitments that I have. Looking at it, it wouldn’t be easier next semester, maybe even worse but insyaAllah, I can get through it just like how I survived this semester.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love school and everything and anything that has to do with it but sometimes, sh** gets hard and sometimes your performance in school constantly disappoints you. All I can say that I’ve tried my best.

Now, have I really?

I have been dividing myself into millions of parts and never really diving into my own work 100% at a time. The split-attention here and there means that I couldn’t unleash my true potential in any one┬átask which kind of disappoints me.

Sigh.

But I signed up for this. I signed up for the hustle. I signed up to make myself better and to give what I have back to the community. Maybe, I might even be catching up on lost time, time that I have spent wasting away in junior college and in secondary school.

Oh well.

I have about 2 weeks before my finals. That isn’t a lot of time but I hope that I can really put my all into this final stretch. I don’t want to disappoint myself. Not again.

 

How fast time flies

It is interesting to see and realise that time pass by so quickly.

In almost an instant, we’re in Week 10 of the school term.

And what have I done in the past 10 weeks? Nothing much, barely surviving.

I think this is the start of something new for me. I have finally sunken in into sort of a daily routine and I think that I am finally getting my sh** together even though I planned to take control of that like 8 weeks ago.

Anyway, yea. I’m excited for the last few weeks of the school term and to get this semester over and done with.

I think over the months, I have dropped a very solid routine that had given me a sense of control over my life but I guess due to roiling emotions and the lack of discipline, I’ve discarded most of them.

Such things are like:

  1. Exercise: I have yet to start exercising regularly, independently. I am trying to run frequently but yea, the key word is ‘TRY’. Since Silat is on an off-season right now, I don’t have other avenues or allocated time to exercise.

    Furthermore, it has been months since I last when to the gym and gosh, I’m kinda missing the weights but I don’t think I can allocate time for that. An approximate of 1.5 hours in the gym 4 times per week is too much of a burden out of my day of approximately 16 hours.

    What I can think of is to do a marathon-style training where running is the main thing accompanied by some calisthenics. Heck, I need to do this thing.

  2. Studying: I sort of found a way to study smart (like finally). The use of mind-maps seem to work for me and I think I will continue on that route.

    I need to start revision too. I don’t think I can afford to risk any more marks in this final stretch.

  3. Routine: Routine is key to success and I was so motivated in the past. Unsure why sh** happens but yea, I need to find that routine again. Now, I have sort of a routine but I just have to keep my discipline up.
  4. THE HUSTLE: I guess this is the most important thing that I’ve lost in the past few months. I hadn’t been hustling as hard as I wanted to and even if I did, I didn’t feel it.

    It was what that drove me and now, I’m quite disappointed in myself.

Anyway, that’s that. Just a few things for me to think about and fix. Can’t wait to get back on track. I am trying.

Well. I did.

Well…

I did tell her like after so long but I guess due to the circumstances, it changed the meaning of it all.

If you don’t know me, I’m a true believer in practicality, efficiency and making the best out of everything I do. I am also a true believer of the environment impacting the choices that we make. This extends from the simple day to day choices of buying food to the more intangible things such as love and emotions.

And… it is the latter that I think kind of changed the moment.

I guess she’s right. I mean I can’t trust my own emotions in this case and I’m as hell of confused on what to do about it. It might be real, it might be a creation of the mind, it might be anything in fact but my true self really believed that the environment that I am in played a huge role.

This as hell does not mean that I wouldn’t have been attracted to her if not for the circumstances, hell no. A bright mind will always be a point of attraction for me but yea, the circumstances might have changed the way the feelings could have developed.

It’s long… I had feelings for her for so long but in retrospect, everything could have been different and more… natural. I don’t know. Things happen and I can’t change that.

Sigh.

Now, I have to learn to let go. It’s hard you know, letting go of emotions just like that. I’ve done it a couple of times before, suppressing emotions, but I had never let it developed as long as this. It’s not fleeting and I know how fleeting emotions are like.

I don’t know. I’ll just do what I can.

This quote from ‘In the Mood for Love’ sums it up nicely,

Feelings can creep up just like that. I thought I was in control.

I thought I was in control. Turns out, I wasn’t.

Till next time.