*ultra-focused*

i know this isn’t much but i am really loving this period of my life. I guess with the coronavirus and everything else in between it has made my life more focused than ever before.

i think partly, i have to thank Lo-Fi. darn… it is my jam when I just want to feel productive and I love it a lot. It’s just like… ‘Okay Google, play Lo-Fi on Youtube’ and darnnnnnn I’m in productive mode immediately.

There are definitely a few things that I have to tackle as soon as possible but am really also pacing myself so that I can make quality work.

Last semester, best semester? is it really coming to fruition?

I am in love… with my life right now and I think the people around me played a huge part in it. love it. thank you.

ultra focused on the goal

bismillah

self-employment.

I have always wanted to work in my own studio and surrounded by the things that I love.

I have always wanted to take risks and be an independent employer. I want to work for myself and not for a big company. I don’t know why. Well… maybe I do know why. I want to be able to always be there when my family needs me and I want to have complete control of my life. I feel that the only way to do so is to be self-employed.

However, I do know the importance of having an iron rice bowl especially in this economy. It is not cheap to raise a family and it requires so much money to do everything else in between. But I am confident. I am determined to make this a business and to be self-employed. I want to.

That will be my goal. I won’t deny that in the beginning I will have to work for someone else. I mean it is important to have some money first before I can make an investment but once my side hustle is making more money than my main job, I think I will then make that jump.

I don’t know when that will be but insyaAllah that day will come.

I can’t wait.

now

I think for now, I can safely say that I am happy with where I am today.

A friend of mine once told me you will never be completely over an ex-lover and you will always have that small special place in your heart for her but what you can do is to learn to live with it and ignore that tug in your heart. What you do with that feeling matters and I can say that it is slowly getting easier.

I am glad as to how far I had come. It has been a painful process and one that I do not want to experience again.

Regardless, I’m comfortable right now. Very much so.

And I think my mind is only focusing on growing my career and my future. Whatever else is secondary. If it happens, it happens and I do not want to force it.

A friend of mine told me in passing that your life has already been planned for you. If it is for you, it will come but also know that nothing lasts forever. Even though it might be for you, it might stay with you forever so cherish them when you have it.

🙂

There’s so much that my heart conceals

But I cannot put them into words

I guess what I can do is to leave them be

And let them be forgotten

Forever

Intense growth!

some things are better left buried.

i have to say that currently I’m in a better place than I was before and there were so many countless lessons that I have learnt from such an experience.

moving forward I guess I’m slowly realising that there are actually more things to life such as being at peace with myself, career progression, learning more about what interests me and how I can contribute back more to society.

I guess 2020 has been great for me so far and I’m slowly getting back on my feet. I don’t want to rush into anything this year nor do I want to make any rash decisions so I guess I’m just cruising…

January has been great and February will be better. I have so many plans and projects in store and I can’t wait to execute them all! 4 more months to graduation and may this last few months be a period of intense growth, insyaAllah!

Severed ties

I have to admit that my connection with Allah SWT hasn’t been as strong as I wanted it to be. Most definitely it is because of the things I did. There are just some things that severes and destroys your connection with Allah SWT and my heart knows it.

It is yearning for a stronger connection with Allah SWT and I regret every single time but sometimes I just feel super powerless. Sigh.

Regardless, I hope that I can grow to love Allah SWT and His Prophet SAW even more. I really hope that my connection with Him becomes stronger because that’s what the heart wants. Truly.

InsyaAllah. 🙂

I’m tired of my own nonsense.

I’m tired as to how I always place myself in a position that threatens my connection with Allah SWT. I’m tired as to how I always fail and disappoint myself. I’m tired as to why I do such things to myself. I will always feel guilt and anger and it is slowly destroying me.

2020 is supposed to be the year but unfortunately, it is off to a bad start. I want to accomplish so many things this year as technically, it will be my last year being free. Regardless, there are dreams that I want to achieve but you know what’s holding me back? Myself.

I’m slowly eating and destroying myself from the inside out. I’m always losing connection to Allah SWT and it is scary because what if one day He decides to take me away when my iman is the lowest? What if He decides to take my soul when I’m committing a sin? Sigh. I pray, Ya Allah, I pray that you take me when my iman is the highest and when my love for you is the highest. Please don’t take me when I’m in a state that is not favourable in Your eyes. Please.

It will be an understatement to say that there are things that I want to change about myself. I’m really not happy with the way things are going with myself. I’m so confused and lost right now and I just wish that I’m as normal of a person as I can be, again.

I want to change.