Bismillah

Tomorrow is a school day.

Can you believe it? After almost three months of being at home, school is finally here! As usual, I am excited. Excited for what’s to come, excited for the surprises, excited to see everyone again!

But before I dive too deep into my excitement, allow me to take a moment to reflect on the things that happened in the past three months.

My summer is nothing short of wonderful. It was full of work, hustle, and busyness, just the way I like it. Most of the time, it was back-to-back hustle, from iNvictUS 2017 to Silat, there was rarely a day where I just sit back, relax and chill. I was always on the move.

If I had nothing to do, I’d go out and shoot, catch up with friends, and just enjoy the beautiful company of others. But in the end, all that work was worth it.

I learnt so much more about photography, videography just by applying it on the field. By testing new techniques and conversing with like-minded friends, I managed to incorporate a style into my shots and edits. In the past, I never had a theme thinking that it was hard and cumbersome to maintain but once I had made my own preset, it’s pretty straightforward.

Anyway, as much work as I had to do during the summer holidays, I had fun too. The highlight was when I went to Japan with my secondary school mates. It was nothing short of beautiful. I loved every moment, I loved every scent, I loved every single aesthetic of Japan. If I was alone, I wouldn’t have left. It was just so pleasing to the eye. There are many photographs that I took from the trip, each one, a gem.

School is starting tomorrow and as excited I am for it, I am also worried. I am currently holding two exco positions in two separate CCAs (Silat and NUSMS), each having their own sets of activities and their own sets of commitments. On top of that, I have more own studies and the other staple commitments like family. Basically, it is a recipe for chaos. BUT, don’t worry, I have mentally prepped myself for the busyness to come because I know that in the end, it will all be worth it.

(Let me side-track a little)

In the past, I made a doa that I would want to join my school’s MSA and help others through it whilst strengthening my religion. Now, looking at where I am, Alhamdulillah, I think Allah SWT has blessed me greatly and answered my doa. Alhamdulillah.

(Side-track ends)

This semester is going to be challenging but again, Allah will not burden a soul more than it can bear, so I know that I will survive this. However, whether I leave unscathed is another question.

I need to be super focused this semester and not let any slip-ups happen. I cannot risk breaking down and tearing apart. I need to show myself and to everyone that I can do it. Ultimately, it is for the service to the community and yourself. Bismillah.

Tomorrow is going to be a new day and it better be really new.

 

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Am I deserving of all of this? 

I don’t deserve all of this. 

All the opportunities presented to me, all the love, care, compassion, expectations… 

I don’t think I’m the right person for this job. I’m not clean. 

I know, I know, I shouldn’t doubt myself but I just can’t help it you see. These positions that were given to me are huge responsibilities, huge tasks that are only meant for people who truly deserves it. But do I really deserve it? 

Everyone faces their own problems, mistakes, sins, devils whom they have to fight on a daily basis and I think I’m losing to mine. I’ve been fighting since I was young, heck, I just wish I could turn back time and change what shouldn’t have happened.

A corrupt mind = a corrupt soul and I think mine is pretty much damaged. 

Okay fine, let me look at the bright side of things, maybe, maybe spending time with these beautiful, faithful bunch will help me move forward. It had helped me once before and insyaAllah it will help me this time once again. 

Ya Allah, I truly want to change, I want to stop being a hypocrite. I do taubat every single freaking day and heck, I still fail in the battle against the devil. Might this be a sign that I don’t love Allah SWT and his messenger SAW as much as I need to? Ya Allah, I really hope you guide me, cleanse my heart, my mind, my soul, show me the way to you, the straight path, the path of the believers and not of the disbelievers. 

I’m sorry. Really. I’m truly sorry for putting myself in the deep well that I’m in now. May Allah SWT forgive me, forgive my soul, forgive my body. 

I am at the edge, I truly am. I pray that I can start winning these battles. 

Happy Vibes

There are periods of my life where I will get the emotion of nostalgia and happiness, an emotion that I cannot truly describe. It is a yearning for something but at the same time knowing that I’ll still be happy even without getting whatever that something is.

The past week was one of those periods.

I yearn to be back in Japan, to experience the sights, sounds, people, culture and beauty of Japan. The aesthetics of that country is what I miss the most. Every single building, every single architecture, vehicles and even the trees seemed to be strategically placed just for the aesthetics. Temples are a beauty, the trains there are a beauty, the malls, the forests, the lakes, heck even the toilets are beautiful. It was as if I was living in an anime.

I was watching an anime entitled ‘Kimi no na wa’ or Your Name and I loved it. Apart from the awesome and beautiful story about a guy and a girl, the beauty of the movie also lay with the aesthetics of the sceneries and artwork. There were so many relatable locations like Tokyo Tower, the Oshiage Skytree, the JR lines, heck, I loved how close to reality the trains in the show are to the real thing. I still can’t believe that I experienced all of that IRL.

The nostalgia got stronger and I’m just glad that I was given the opportunity to experience Japan.

This reminds me that I have yet to edit and upload my shots from Japan. Heck, summer is ending.

Got to run fam.