I don’t deserve all of this. 

All the opportunities presented to me, all the love, care, compassion, expectations… 

I don’t think I’m the right person for this job. I’m not clean. 

I know, I know, I shouldn’t doubt myself but I just can’t help it you see. These positions that were given to me are huge responsibilities, huge tasks that are only meant for people who truly deserves it. But do I really deserve it? 

Everyone faces their own problems, mistakes, sins, devils whom they have to fight on a daily basis and I think I’m losing to mine. I’ve been fighting since I was young, heck, I just wish I could turn back time and change what shouldn’t have happened.

A corrupt mind = a corrupt soul and I think mine is pretty much damaged. 

Okay fine, let me look at the bright side of things, maybe, maybe spending time with these beautiful, faithful bunch will help me move forward. It had helped me once before and insyaAllah it will help me this time once again. 

Ya Allah, I truly want to change, I want to stop being a hypocrite. I do taubat every single freaking day and heck, I still fail in the battle against the devil. Might this be a sign that I don’t love Allah SWT and his messenger SAW as much as I need to? Ya Allah, I really hope you guide me, cleanse my heart, my mind, my soul, show me the way to you, the straight path, the path of the believers and not of the disbelievers. 

I’m sorry. Really. I’m truly sorry for putting myself in the deep well that I’m in now. May Allah SWT forgive me, forgive my soul, forgive my body. 

I am at the edge, I truly am. I pray that I can start winning these battles.