I think I needed that.

This evening, I had a tea session with the Shura (basically, they are advisors). They are just there to check on us, to get to know us better and to give us advisors on the best way to move forward, be it in MS-related events or in life in general.

And I think it went superbly well.

I don’t know but after so long (about 6-8 weeks) of finding my bearings, I felt so much lighter as if a heavy burden is lifted off of my shoulders.

I am not sure why but I guess the combination of hilarious banter along with their sound advice really did help to recalibrate my mindset.

What I realised is that I’ve been so caught up on the ‘immense’ workload that I seem to have that I forgot that in the end, there’s a higher purpose of why I’m doing all of this. I forgot that in the end, as long as I do my best, everything else is up to Allah SWT. Nothing else matters other than doing something for the sake of Allah SWT alone.

The tasks that we do on a daily basis is minute and almost insignificant. I guess the thought that they’re ‘big’ tasks blew them up and out of proportion to the extent that I began to believe that they are really ‘huge’ and ‘massive’ tasks. In fact, they aren’t as what I made myself to believe.

To be honest, I feel really great now as if I was recalibrated back to last year. Do one task at a time, have composure, hustle and move on. Do not overthink it, do not ponder about it too much, do not panic.

I can do this.




Safeguard Yourselves from Broken Hearts

It’s okay to like someone but what is not okay is to do something about it even though you’re not ready to get married.

“Islam wants to be pure to your spouse so you can really enjoy your spouse, so you can be with them with your heart and soul.”

–Nouman Ali Khan

You don’t want to have your mind lingering for someone else, you don’t want to be scarred because of past relationships. You do not want to be incomplete when you marry someone.

So safeguard yourselves.

Who’s there? Death, Death I am.

Death should be in our minds all the time.

I don’t mean paralysing you, scaring you every second of your life.

But the thought of death should be at the back of your mind, tugging, tickling, pulling at your consciousness. It should be subtle but obvious to remind us of it.

Death is a good reminder to us all on why we should always do good, why we should always act the best and behave well, all the time, whenever. To enjoin in what is good and forbid anything that is evil.

We don’t want to be caught off guard by death as we are committing a sin? We do not want to die while sinning. Imagine being exposed and unable to defend your own dignity. What a tragic way to end isn’t it?

However, we’re still human after all and by being human means that we’re still prone to sin no matter how hard we try. But, that doesn’t give us an excuse to sin. We should try our very best to not sin.

I guess you can say that free will comes with a cost but also remember that if we are able to obey Allah SWT, we’re better than the angels.

I guess I’ll leave you guys at that. Think about death once in a while, know that it is coming for you so you have to be at your best when it comes knocking… on… your… door.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Is this an illusion?

To be honest, I’m not sure whether I’m literally overwhelmed by work or am I lying to myself about the amount of work I have.

I don’t know.

I’m feeling pretty confused, lost and unorganised. Everything seemed to be everywhere, all at the same time.

I know that I have to take things one at a time but it is getting hard when 1923193912 signals come to you at any one time.

Furthermore, there’re so many things that I want to do and so many things that I need to do but there’s so little time. I’m annoyed at how fast time flies. Heck, one example is now, it’s already Week 6?! Can you believe it? I’m still struggling to make sense of school and still trying to find the balance between everything that is happening in my life.

I’m just afraid that I lose the delicate balance of it all.

As of now, I can say that I am surviving but surviving is not what I want. I want to soar. I want to strive high. I want to feel confident that whatever I do will be my 100%. However, as of late, I don’t think that’s what I’m feeling. The lack of sleep, the rushing from class to class. The countless minor errands that I need to do on a daily basis. They’re slowly getting to me.

I’ve told my friends before that I honestly missed being in the library, to stay till late, just hustling and working. Unfortunately, I cannot do that as often anymore. Commitments call on me, stealing my time away from what’s important or is it?

Argh. Sometimes (actually, most of the time) I wish to be able to be awake for 24/7. Sometimes, I even wish that I can survive on just 4 hours of sleep, maybe on none at all! But I know my body better than anyone else, I can’t survive and be productive if I have less than 6 hours of rest. It’s annoying but I know that I have to clock in those sleep hours.

I should prioritise. I really think I should.

Okay, let’s prioritise then:

  1. School
    I have studies to handle. Recess Week is coming followed by Mid-Terms. I need to start revising.
  2. Silat
    Not that important anymore actually. I can afford to skip training. Hmm…
  3. NUSMS
    Just meetings and the like. Creatively-drained.
  4. Self
    I need to read. I miss reading so much. Oh ya, and blogging too.
  5. Social + Family
    Whenever needed.

I guess I have somewhat a priority list but darn it. I guess I have to really make my time spent more efficient. Every single period I have have to be used wisely. I really can’t afford to waste any more time.

Ya Allah, really please do help me. I can do this.

If only you know

I think you do.

I think you know what I feel in my heart towards you.

I think you know how I feel about you but I can’t come to say it, I can’t come around to admit it.

I fear that it is a phase, an infatuation. I fear that it might be a moment of desperation, an emotional impulse of want instead of need, an obsession instead of controlled, real love.

How do I differentiate the fake from the real, the truth from lies if it’s related to the matters of the heart?

The matter of the heart is a tricky thing, it is as if you’re walking on thin ice, fearing that a small misjudged step can send you falling into the dark abyss. One cannot navigate on this path recklessly. Slow, careful thoughts have to be made and considered.

I have to be patient. I guess that’s the game I’m playing right now, to be patient.

Like I always do.