Some thoughts.

In the midst of examinations.

It is about 4 hours until my next paper but I have a thought that I think I should write down.

Develop yourself.

I mean really.

I guess it all goes back to practicality.

How can you take care of someone else if you’re basically a half-baked potato?

How can you expect someone else to depend on you if you can’t even depend on yourself to survive?

Who are you to think that you can have someone if you’re basically an imperfect good?

You’re incomplete and I don’t think anyone deserves something incomplete.

I mean there are people who talk about wanting to grow together and such but putting aside the romanticism of it all, it is going to be painful.

Develop yourself, find yourself first.

 

 

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Jealousy. Sigh.

As of late, I found out a really bad trait that I have, jealousy.

Ouch.

Out of all the other bad traits that I have, I cannot believe that jealousy would be the one that I have. Really. I am legit surprised when I realised this.

Like, heck. I can’t believe I feel this way. I mean, even though I know that it is not proper and all, and not a place for me to say anything, but I still feel a strong sense of pain and jealousy. Like… I feel that I am shortchanged in one way or another.

Sigh. I mean I shouldn’t even feel this way but sadly I do.

Why though.

It has already happened several times and myself, if I don’t solve this soon, it might become a huge baggage in the future.

Gosh, I really hope I don’t carry this emotion all the way into adulthood. It is just isn’t right.

Back to the grind.

Times change but memories remain the same.

Over the past semester, there are many things that happened and many things that didn’t.

There were many things that I am disappointed in and many things that I’m proud of doing but I guess, in the end, I’m happy to say that I tried.

Going back to my commitments, I am given the power to do so many things and I think looking forward, I should take advantage of the blessed position that I am given.

Okay, now, back to work.

It’s real isn’t it?

Like every other day before going to bed, I will look at myself in the mirror. Today, unlike any other day, I had pretty grown stubble. I guess it was because it was a stay home Sunday and thus, there was no need to shave.

Nonetheless, there was this stubble on my face.

Then I realised, it is real isn’t it, this… adult thing?

For a split second I was afraid, thinking that this was a dream because just a few years back, I hadn’t had this stubble, let alone the ability to grow one. But now, at 22, the impending doom of adulthood is obvious.

Gosh, it felt like it was just yesterday that playing Yugioh under the block was the only thing that I looked forward to and getting caught playing is the only thing that you’re afraid of. Now, there are so many things that you have to learn how to do, from paying your own bills to juggling finances to knowing how to buy a house etc. Just adult stuff.

Then, it hits you harder again to realise that your close friends are getting engaged or married and the events that you go to are weddings and 20+ aged birthday parties. It hits you even harder when you realise that those credit card people in malls are approaching you instead of your parents, thinking that you looked adult enough.

Now, you begin to think about so many different things and your uncertain future. Now, you got to think about a career, romance, work-life balance, family time, social time and juggling all of them around. How?!

Gosh.

That’s a lot to think about and I guess most of us are not ready for it.

To me, it feels as if taking a huge leap of faith not knowing what lies on the other side but taking it anyway because I have to. Because staying in one spot will not bring me anywhere.

Apologies. I know I had already posted one today but I feel that this is a really real thing. Something that I am low-key afraid off that has to be talked about because I think many people share the same sentiments.

Wow.

Adulting… It is real eh?

The Final Stretch

It has been 11 days since I last blogged and that last post shouldn’t even be counted as one.

Anyway, Reading Week is finally here and thus, it marks the end of my third semester in university.

Well. To be honest, I don’t know what to feel about this semester. The first 3/4 of it has been in utter chaos, chasing deadlines, running around, participating in events, more running around…

I really don’t remember much of what happened early this semester. I guess I was just in a rush day in and day out that I couldn’t truly appreciate Time. Come to think of it, it is kind of sad. Also with the lack of blogging, I couldn’t ‘upload’ my thoughts like I used to. I should really get back into that habit.

I guess it is because of the commitments that I have. Looking at it, it wouldn’t be easier next semester, maybe even worse but insyaAllah, I can get through it just like how I survived this semester.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love school and everything and anything that has to do with it but sometimes, sh** gets hard and sometimes your performance in school constantly disappoints you. All I can say that I’ve tried my best.

Now, have I really?

I have been dividing myself into millions of parts and never really diving into my own work 100% at a time. The split-attention here and there means that I couldn’t unleash my true potential in any one task which kind of disappoints me.

Sigh.

But I signed up for this. I signed up for the hustle. I signed up to make myself better and to give what I have back to the community. Maybe, I might even be catching up on lost time, time that I have spent wasting away in junior college and in secondary school.

Oh well.

I have about 2 weeks before my finals. That isn’t a lot of time but I hope that I can really put my all into this final stretch. I don’t want to disappoint myself. Not again.