There was a time when you feel that you have the world in your hands. There was a time when you feel as if you can conquer anything. There was a time when you feel that you have reached that socially elusive term called, ‘success’.
But then, that was then.
Now, you’re stuck in a rut, consumed by the agony of societal pressure, consumed by the work that has been placed upon you, consumed by your inner desire to fight back but slowly realising that everything you do is futile. The world feels as if it is crushing in on you, collapsing beneath your feet. Your every breath feels laboured, hard… It is as if you’re breathing through a straw while being miles underneath the ocean’s surface…
It might be time when you feel like you cannot let go, a time when you feel that the only way for this to work is to keep holding on even though you know that it will slowly kill you…
It is ridiculous I must say though, it is happening all around. People hold on to their cancers because they feel that if they were to let it go, they would lose a part of them. Even though they know that they will slowly lose themselves.
Why? Why would people do such a thing?
I don’t know to be honest. Sometimes it is because they have placed upon the other person and idealized version of their lives, thinking that that person would be the one to fulfil their dreams. Other times, they placed upon that person a hope of a better life and soon, they become dependent, too hard to get out from.
To be honest, I don’t know where I am going with this post. It is more of a vomit post whereby I type whatever I feel like. It started out as a story for all the people who are struggling right now but ended up an emotionally depressing story of poisonous relationships.
Anyway, it is the end of Y3S1 and the beginning of a new era. Final year is upon me (technically a semester more but I’m planning to begin my FYP as soon as possible).
Furthermore, it is the trying to get my sh** together phase and clearing out all the old stuff to usher in the new. I realised that I have already found out who I want to be. I have realised my identity as a person. Looking back at my first year when I was still a piece of nonsense, I have to say that I have gone far. Everything that happened in the last 3 years had brought me to where I am today and changed me. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. However, I’m just glad that I have reached this far and there so much more distance to cover in life. I will always continue to strive to be a better creative. It is going to be an experience but as long as I have no baggage, I will take whatever risk I can.
I miss her. A lot.