I think most of us will have a phase in our lives (phases that come and go) when we feel dumb. Well, today was one of those days.

In a room filled with intelligent colleagues, scientists that are seemingly always on the brink of their own ‘eureka’ moments, I felt dumb. Dumb because I think that I’m inexperienced and less passionate on the topic than they are.

It drives me insane to see how they are so passionate about these scientific discoveries and I’m very intrigued as to how they see the world. Being around them for almost a month now, I cannot seem to see what they see in long days in the lab. Maybe it is the passion for science or maybe it is them trusting that they are just one experiment away from an amazing discovery… who knows.

Regardless, it is just insane how fast they are able to read and digest a scientific paper. As a person who has both the experience of the arts and the science, it really is amazing as to how scientists run their lives, always on the edge of new scientific discoveries and going bonkers when they read a really well-designed experiment.

And that made me realise how incompetent and lazy I am.

As I was walking to school today, a thought struck me. One that really slaps the truth. I think I am always trying to find the easy way out even in the work that I do. I strive to always make do with the bare minimum giving excuses like, “I can get away with it…” and “I think it should be fine, it is my aesthetic anyway…”. I didn’t even bother to learn new techniques and strategies. This is true because looking back, I don’t remember the last time I learnt something about editing photographs nor a new lighting technique and such. Realising that, it might be what is stopping me from being a really good creator/photographer. I might have big dreams but I don’t seem to be willing to put in the work.

I’m unlike those scientists who would read every single paper and really digest every new research that comes their way. They seek expertise and control over the topics that they learnt and read. They seek the best techniques and documenting every single method and nuances in experiments. Unlike them, I fail to do such a thing even in my own interests. I guess I’m setting myself up for failure.

How then will I go forward from this? How then will I make myself into someone that does work and be an expert in it?

This made me question myself as to whether I am really capable to be a freelancer. To be a freelancer one has to have the discipline and the stamina to maintain a high level of rigour and intensity for a very long period of time. That thought in the few paragraphs above really made me wonder…

Sigh. To be honest, am I even cut out for anything? I don’t really know. This is weakness talking. I’m sorry. I think what I can do now is to truly put in the work.

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