What do I desire?

Two questions:

  1. What do I desire?
  2. Have I developed as a person?

To be honest, I do not have an answer for either of these questions because I feel that I am currently stuck in the middle between going with what I want and going with what is practical.

What I want is to start a business. Why? Because I feel that entrepreneurship will allow me to have the freedom to make the calls and do what I want, when I want it. Even though entrepreneurship will take up a lot of the time especially in the beginning stages trying to get a solid foundation, I feel that the agency to make decisions is much more appealing to me. Furthermore, I do not want to be tied up to a boss and answering his every wants and needs despite the fact that it can give me a peace of mind with regards to making ends meet. Why? I feel that for me, money is secondary. There will always be ways to earn money and there are many ways to. However, the way we earn money also has to be sustainable and fulfilling, if not, I’ll just be digging my grave even before I start to die. However, I feel that there are many risks that are involved. Firstly, it is a long and lonely road. As of now, my parents do not support such endeavours and because of that I am tied down to either being a loyal child and follow what they say or risk everything else. Secondly, I have an inkling that she does not want me to take risks too. I guess it is because of the high chance of failure involved. I mean their reasonings are justified but I don’t think I can live with myself if I do not try?

Here comes the dilemma. The situation that I am in now calls for one of two decisions. Do I put in the money to prepare for a wedding or shall I put in the money to growing my business? Why do I say that? I have been single for very long and the attitudes and characteristics that I have in the past 23 years are that of a single man. I make decisions on my own and I decide to buy things that I want to buy without anyone weighing me down (or disagreeing with me). However, now, I have to consider not spending the money because of where I should place my priorities. It doesn’t make me happy. Does it? I don’t know. I guess that the money I have should definitely put into something more productive and functioning such as an investment or savings for the wedding but I do have savings! How should I convince her that I have everything figured out? I don’t know to be honest. Aside from that what do I actually want in the near future? Do I want to get married or get on with my merry life living as I had lived? I don’t know. Now, what I can see that the wedding (not the marriage) is preventing me from developing anything that I want to develop because of the huge costs that it has. I mean even if I start to work, the heavy cost of it will cause a lot of my projects to be pushed behind. I am willing to work hard for it but am I able to get past the emotions?

What if I can? I guess if so, then I need more patience on how to move forward and juggle both a family and a business while working full time. It is going to be lonely and hard but I guess I just need a social support which I cannot get from my family. It is sad I know but I guess it is just not us to overcommunicate our emotions to one another.

Regardless, even in the situation where I have enough money to get married and whatnot, I do not think I am in the emotional state and capacity to get married. I realised that I would just be following my nafs and that whatever that I get in during that stage will just be a disaster for me in the future. It will be toxic as to what I want and what she wants will not align. I might feel trapped because I think I am? I don’t know how does one define being trapped but the situation of always trying to be on the good side and treading a thin line between triggering and not triggering every single day is painful. Sometimes I feel as if I do not have the luxury to be myself. However, I do agree that I am rude at times and speak when I’m not supposed to. I do not act the way I should act to a partner and behave in a way that is supportive and caring? I guess I’ve never known such emotions because I always ‘suck it up’. I learned that ‘sucking it up’ doesn’t always work as an advice. I guess if I am willing, I need to brush up on my social skills.


I guess I have everything to lose. Everything. She has everything I feel disappointed in myself for not being on par with her. Sometimes I feel that she is too good for me. I literally have nothing. My talent is a side result of my interest in photography and that in itself is not a talent. I am not religiously strong because I feel myself slipping away, my iman dropping to sh** levels as of late and furthermore, I am not good in the religion in terms of extra prayers, recitation of the Quran and the like. Furthermore, I am not even good-looking nor have an interesting personality. I tend to be emotionless and stoic most of the time and very lax in my decision-making. I am a blob of disappointment.

I wonder, “how can I ever match up to her?”

Despite the fact that she always says that she is not any good but facts are facts. She is everything. To be honest, I do not even know what she sees in me. I am a nobody with nothing to hold, not even my word. Hais.

If she were to leave me, I wouldn’t be surprised. I would be heartbroken but that’s all there is to it. I guess she might be happier too.

Last night, I realised that, ‘She deserved someone better.’

This is very true. I guess there are better people that can complement her and her family than me and if her parents also know as to how I operate, I guess they would be very disappointed too and urge her to find someone else.

Like I said, I wouldn’t be surprised.


Do we develop one another?

I doubt so. I really doubt so. It has been a struggle to maintain this gray area of ‘untriggering’.

I am willing though. Despite all the emotions that I am feeling right now, I guess I am willing to change and to be better but it takes time and heck am I not patient. I don’t know.

I don’t know…

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