Am I in a faith crisis?
I mean not in the way where I am losing faith in Allah SWT and my belief in Him but more about how it feels super hard for me to have a connection with him. As of late, my feelings towards prayers are more of feelings of ‘this is something that I just need to get out of the way’. It is not a feeling that you want to have when you’re trying to connect to the Lord of the Worlds. It is a scary thought that I am actually being dragged away from Allah SWT.
I also realised that I no longer feel good when I’m talking about religion as if I’m out of place. I think it is the hypocrisy of my actions that is slowly seeping into my character. I feel that because of the things I did, I severed that connection with Him and I need to work a million times harder just to get it functioning again. That’s is why I feel that Ramadan came at a good time when my iman is the lowest.
The last time I felt this way was wayyyy back in the day when I was full of ignorance. It is a time that I wished I will never go back to but it seems like it did catch up after all, unfortunately.
I think that living a life of short-term pleasures and hedonism really destroys your heart and soul. You are left empty and hurt by your own actions. It is as if you are fighting with a devil version of yourself, every. single. day.
But I hope that with this Ramadan, it will help me get back on track. I don’t think it will change me because Umrah surely didn’t, unfortunately but I guess it might be just me tripping over and relapsing once in a while. However, I am confident that I’m done with this. Forever.
I need to continue to be busy and obsessed with work. To have a goal in life.
So, Ramadan will be a month to better myself yet again (to say that I will strive to be better is becoming hella cheesy because we know that it won’t happen. Ah heck.). Anyway, yes. I will become better. Here are possibly the daily rituals that I will try to do every day:
- Read one page of the Quran (at least) beginning from Surah An-Nas.
- Read 4 books this month (try to read more because you have nothing to do).
- Go to the masjid for Terawih at least 4 times per week (20 rakaats, JGN WEAK PLS).
- Test out the supply chain of Print-on-Demand
- Learn Facebook/Instagram Advertising
- Complete product research
- Design at least one design per day
- GET IT UP AND RUNNING!
- LETS GET THIS BREAD.