First and maybe not last…

Let us begin this post with Bismillahirrahmanirahim, in the name of Allah, the Most Beneficient, the Most Merciful.

Bismillah.

This post will be a comprehensive review of the past 1 year of my life with Nur Syazana as to reflect on our relationship and to allow me to move on from it.

The past year with her was nothing short of spectacular. From the very beginning, I had the intention of marrying her and to live the rest of my life with her till we’re wrinkly and old. I had that intention because I didn’t want to waste the time knowing someone and then just end it just like that. However, I guess, Allah SWT has His plans. We can only plan and Allah SWT is the Best of Planners.

However, that beautiful relationship was not all smooth sailing. I believe that the true nature of the relationship begins when we start to have these ‘fights’ where we were unable to solve it. ‘Fights’ that are usually about being there for one another or how can we confide in one another better. It usually ends without a solution or maybe part of a solution that just doesn’t sit well with either of us. I guess it is because the solution requires us to change ourselves fundamentally, to make us into people we are not or not yet ready to be. It rarely turn sour but it was there, hanging overhead.

One of our museum escapades. I loved this day.

We truly enjoyed each other’s company and we loved one another deeply even without saying it. However, despite the fact that we are usually in the same place at the same time together, I realised that we rarely connect and our judgement of one another’s preference is rarely right. I realised this because I can never understand her body language or the words that she is saying as if she’s doing a million things at a time. There were a few times that I did expect her to understand what I meant without saying it but she didn’t. However, she’s not entirely to blame because I too have times whereby I didn’t know what she actually wanted until she said it. At that point in time, I thought it would sort itself out with time but I guess it didn’t.

There are also moments whereby our conversations are empty conversations. These conversations are short and do not go anywhere and even if they have the inkling of becoming a deeper conversation, we would suddenly be caught up in something else that drew our attention away.

Our first time trying the Ramen Stall at Bugis.

It is unfortunate that such things happen but I guess they were signs.

One such example is how my innocent banter or jokes are rarely taken as a joke but as something that offended her. I guess that was when I realised that my sense of humour are of the sarcastic sort and one that she 110% does not appreciate. I thought I could have been more sensitive to her and understand that there’s always a time and place for it but I later realised that it removes a part of what makes me, me. I understand that sometimes the humour that I subscribe to can be crude at times and I am definitely trying to control it but for those that aren’t and she still takes offence, that I cannot understand.

I guess there were also moments whereby I was a bit too insensitive to her by commenting on the things that she truly love. My EQ was low at that point of time and I am 100% to be blamed.

I also realised that our lifestyles are drastically different. She is the strict Muslim who is conscious of every single action that she does and is clear of her purpose on this Earth which is to serve Him and Him only. Me on the other hand is a meh Muslim who struggles with his religious obligations and attempts to feel His presence around but to only feel like a hypocrite. I guess from there it was clear that I can never be a good imam for her and guide our family in the way that she wanted to. Our understanding of religion and the obligations that we should carry are drastically different.

One thing that I truly love about her are her cheeks. I always teased her about them.

Furthermore, she was born and raised in a family that constantly better themselves in everything that they do but my family is one that seeks comfort. I think it all falls back into what we deemed as important and both of what we take as important do not align.

I guess those little differences in the way we lead our lives and how we carry ourselves are already signs of our incompatibility and as much as we would want to stay together, it might never work out and prolonged struggle would only damage our love for each other even more. I think that we might not be compatible now but maybe in the future, once we are wholes again, we might be.

Despite the many differences that we had, we also had so many similar things. We both love the arts and creativity. We both love museums and we both hate crowds. We appreciate so many of the same things but I guess the differences outweigh the similarities.

Whatever it is, I am still holding on to the hope that jodoh tak akan ke mana. If we are meant to be, despite years of separation, we might fall back in love and reconnect again and maybe only then we are better for one another. Maybe, we are just too early in the process and Allah SWT is just telling us that we need to work on ourselves again. We might be too reliant on each other that we fall away from being reliant on Allah SWT. Our love for Him might have waned and wavered and this could be a sign from Him to come back to Him.

This breakup does make me realise that I was so blinded by my idea of who she could be for me and the people around me that I couldn’t see that I was falling and neglecting things that should be important to me. I forgot about religion, self-development and knowledge. I neglected so many things after embarking on this journey with her and I wouldn’t have realised that if we had stayed together.

I guess as painful as it was, we had to separate and that was the only way. It is unfortunate but it couldn’t have gone any other way. It hurts like a b**** when we had to separate. It was as if a part of me was torn apart and ripped to shreds. It was as if my craving was not met and I was undergoing cold turkey from cocaine. It hurts so much that there’s this mild sadness that I feel at my throat as if I’m about to cry every single time someone mentions her name. But… it is for the better and I’m grateful for it.

I still love her though, very much so and I don’t think I can love anyone else in the near future as much as I loved her. She is one of my favourite person in the world and I just have to overcome that I lost her.

I thought we could be soulmates for life but maybe we can just stick to just being soulfriends. May we continue to impact one another in a beneficial way in this last year in school together despite not being ‘together together’.

Maybe we are meant to be or maybe we are not but regardless of what happens, I am blessed to have her by my side for that year and I am grateful for all the lessons that she taught me.

I love you, Syazana and my love for you will not disappear any time soon Maybe I need to learn to love you as a friend again. Thank you for everything that you’ve done for me and all the thoughtful gifts that you have bought for me. Thank you for spending so much ridiculous time with me and for hearing me out. Thank you for tolerating my nonsense and for always being patient with me. Thank you for being a great significant other and thank you for truly being a blessing for me and happiness that I can truly depended on. Thank you for being you and I sorely miss you.

She’s a beautiful person inside and out and I don’t ever want to see her in a bad light. Thank you.

Love, Hakim

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