i hate this.

How do you move on knowing that you have lost everything?

The correct answer is that you just do and trust in His plans.

But…

That’s not the answer I want. It is as if I’m trying to find an answer that satisfies me and in actual fact, there will never be an answer that can satisfy me.

It is as if I’m constantly choked up with tears. I cannot seem to be able to move on and that every thought that I have of her will just almost surely bring me to tears.

I saw her today and we were in the same room but I barely maintained my composure. I don’t know…

It sucks. It sucks so much and I can no longer trust myself to be alone with my thoughts. That is why I’m watching the Silat people training now. I know that if I were to be alone, I would have just gone into a very dark place.

And…

it is as if I want to be in that dark place. It seems very appealing right now…

But I can’t. I can’t do this to myself. I’m stronger than this… but strength… my strength is limited and I just want everything back to normal. I want to just go to her and tell her that I have learnt my lesson and that we can end this nightmare already but I know that that is not right. It is not right for me to demand such a thing from her. I know that we couldn’t be together. Not right now… She deserves time and she deserves every right to break up with me…

Ah! screw this. I can’t dwell on this any longer. It just sucks my soul.

I’m sorry.

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