I’m not sure if they tell you this but it kind of hurts your self-confidence a bit.

One day you are all pride and confident on tackling the world and the next, you just feel so timid and small. Everything you thought you knew about yourself and this world were suddenly put to question.

“Is that how people really think of me?”

“Is that how I really behave?”

“Was I really an a**hole all along?”

yeah. I guess I was. It really made me question whether I’ve treated people with the basic respect they deserve all these while and it really put to the forefront the question of whether I’m good enough.

I know I know… I know I shouldn’t question that and it is not something to be discussed about but when you took such a blow to your face, that’s the only thing you can think about.

“Was I good enough?”

“Was I really inadequate?”

“Am I not the person I think I am?”

“Who would marry me for being such a trash and not able to take care of somebody’s emotions?”

Yeah… those questions really do come to mind and it made me wonder if I’m still as immature as I’ve ever been. If you know me, you would know that I’m the person who have immense self-esteem and I would be confident enough to say certain things and do certain things. However, now, it made me question if that was really self-confidence or was I just hiding behind a shell of ‘self-confidence’? Was I truly a timid person and by acting proud and confident a move to overcompensate for my lack of it?

I really am starting to be believe that the latter is true and I’m glad that it was finally brought to the surface. I guess the weird jokes that I crack and the ‘witty’ things that I say are just a shield to guard my inner issues of self-esteem. I guess I’m fundamentally a quiet and vulnerable person and any sense of trying to show my emotions caused me to panic. Maybe that’s why I rarely called her by endearments in real life. I might have been too afraid to commit and afraid of being hurt when it is rejected. That fear seems to have taken what is dear to me. I shouldn’t have been shy about sharing my feelings nor I shouldn’t have been afraid of telling her what I truly wanted her to hear. I guess every single time that I put it off makes her step back further and further away.

Don’t worry. I’m not being self-abusive nor looking down on myself but these are things that I only realised now and weaknesses that I need to work on. I don’t know how I can fix them but I think with time and conscious effort to change the way I behave might help?

Regardless, what is lost has been lost and there’s no point crying over it. I just have to take one tiny step at a time and recover that lost friendship again.

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