A plan?

For the first time ever, I do not have a plan and that might be why I’m not able to move on as quickly as I want to.

I still miss her from time to time especially when I see her face. It is as if reality is reminding me of what I had lost. The opportunity to marry someone that checked all the boxes just slipped and I only have myself to blame.

She said that “it is me, not you” but that can never be further from the truth. The breakdown of a relationship is usually caused by both sides and one has to take the initiative to propose a break. As much as I want to believe, and the facts state so, that we’re just not meant for each other, there is still this tug on my heartstrings telling me that maybe we could’ve worked out.

However, I need to constantly remind myself that maybe not now, maybe later that we’re meant to be because jodoh tak ke mana.

But even if we are ultimately meant for each other, this break could not have come at a better timing. I realised that I needed to grow and being in that relationship didn’t allow me too. I was too comfortable. Like what my professor said this morning, “Mild stress is required for us to do work and it is good.” I guess this is that mild stress that will propel me to do the work that I need on myself. I’ve been stagnating for too long.

I guess as much as I missed her, as much as I want her back, as much as I want to marry her and carry her in my arms, I can’t and I might never be able to ever, I need to grow and learn and be better.

So there needs to be a plan. A plan when I can finally consider myself ready for a relationship and ready for marriage. This is a rough idea:

  1. Religiosity
    Religion is a very important thing and one that I had greatly neglected the past year. With increasing my religiosity, it also comes with a change in lifestyle. It will be hard but I think it will be better for me and for my future. There are several aspects of my religion that I’m critically lacking in especially when I am planning to get married. They are the recitation and tajweed of the Quran, understanding Islamic Jurisprudence/Fiqh and also the Sunnah of the Prophet SAW.

    I have chosen these areas to possibly focus on and study because I feel that they will play a huge role in helping me navigate my life and in making a decision for my family. The recitation and understanding the Tajweed of the Quran is a very crucial factor albeit a basic one that all Muslims must have. Unfortunately, my upbringing didn’t allow for that and thus, some self-imposed effort is needed. By being able to recite properly and beautifully, it can help in bringing peace to the household and also in guiding my future children.

    By understanding Fiqh, I think it will definitely help in making clear decisions in life and thus, create a lifestyle that brings in barakah and pleases Allah SWT.

    Understanding the sunnah of the Prophet SAW and practising them will also help in bringing myself closer to Allah SWT and to the Prophet SAW and thus, guide a family that Allah SWT be pleased with.

  2. Career
    Finances are very important if I want to get married and if I want to show that I am serious about it, I need to have the financial resources for a wedding and whatever that comes after. A career is not just any job but a job that I am willing to stay on for a long-term. It will be different than my side-hustle and will be the main source of my income and funding.

    As of now, I have a few plans in mind. At first I thought of doing a PhD but after listening to the advices of my friends and my experience of doing FYP, I don’t think it is a path that I want to pursue. Furthermore, I don’t think the life of a researcher is one that I would like to be in. Next, I was thinking of doing interns at startups especially marketing positions just to understand the market better and the skills that are required to be successful in the environment. That is something that is more realistic as it is related to what I want my side hustle to be, a designing/hustle co-working space with a studio for creative work. Finally, I even considered teaching as of late. As the only other job that I ever did, I thought teaching was an exhausting job but one with many perks. However, I feel that it is a job that is hentak kaki whereby it will be hard to jump into another job as the experience in teaching might not be applicable in other areas whereas it might be useful to gain experience in other areas and then embark onto teaching.

    So, I’m not so sure yet. I need to continue searching and understanding the working world better first. Possibly, I’ll do an internship next summer and we’ll see how it goes from there.

  3. Bank Account
    Bank account is due to obvious reasons. Money is needed for so many things if I want to get married: wedding, BTO, survival etc. Therefore, having a fat bank account is crucial. I’m currently saving and working on the side to get some extra and putting it into my OCBC account. Hopefully I’ll be able to get it as fat as possible by the time I graduate. I’m trying to save 1/4 of every earnings I get into that account.
  4. Side Hustle
    I’m currently working with my friend as a partner for his wedding photo & video company. There are major things that I want to implement in the company and it will be something that I want to work really hard on. This company needs to grow and that is a requirement before I get married because then it will help me to have somewhat of an idea of how my dreams will be like next.
  5. Emotional State
    I need to be sound and in a calm state of mind. Currently, I’m still emotionally affected by the breakup and I don’t think it will go away any time soon but before I get married and to whomever I get married to, I want to love her 100% and not be distracted by the past. As long as I’m still not capable of loving her completely, it would not be fair for her whoever she is.

I truly don’t know who I’ll get married to or if I will ever get married. However, I guess it is important to prepare myself for whatever that is to come.

Anyway, I still have this hope of trying it with her again. I don’t know when but I just want to. Like what she said, maybe we are just not meant to be now, maybe we are too early in the process but jodoh tak ke mana and if we are meant to be then we will meet again and try again. Sigh. I just wish Allah SWT give me a very clear sign as to whether I should still hold on to this hope or not. If she is meant for me, please keep her close to me but if she is not meant for me, please keep her far far away (as far away as possible) from me. I guess if we seldom meet in school or even if we are in the same clique but we do not see each other that often, I guess that is a clear sign that we are not meant to be but if it is otherwise, I might still hold on to that hope that we might get together again. Sigh. I miss her a lot, I really do but I need to move forward and execute this plan. May Allah ease.

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