I feel sad.
To be honest, that is the emotion I am feeling right now. Not happiness, not anger, not frustration but sadness.
Yesterday, my truth was exposed and I almost broke down in the bus.
“Why are you doing that? Why are you holding on? You’re doing all that because you want her to be the one to comfort you right? You want to expose all your sadness online to get a reaction from her so that she can be the one to be there for you right?”
Yes and to hell I care.
I just want her to talk to me, to comfort me and to be there for me but I’m holding on to a dream, a dream that will never ever happen. And that broke me.
I’m slowly coming to the realisation that the doa, “if it is good for me keep it close but if it is bad for me keep it far away” is slowly coming true. I had asked for clear signs that our relationship is not meant to be, I had asked Him to put her really far far away from me if that was meant to be and I think He answered it. Now, with the current situation of VP, He has placed her further away from me. He has placed her in a position that will reduce my interaction with her. He has placed her out of Shura just to put her far away from me and that sucks. It sucks to know that that is the fact and I have to face it. It sucks even more that I have to pull out knowing how Shura works. I wouldn’t even receive a vote to be honest and I would be embarrassed as heck. In a way, I felt betrayed. I felt betrayed because she said that she would support me in the position. I felt betrayed because an opportunity for me to make a change in NUSMS is pulled away from me from under the rug. I just felt freaking betrayed but no, I cannot say that to her. I cannot let my disappointment show. Why? Because it is not the right thing to do. I realised that I never had the chance to be VP you know? It is like a huge cosmic joke that the opportunity was even presented to me in the first place. And I was siked… big time.
To be honest, it is hard to do work with a broken heart. It is hard to move on and it is hard to let go. Yesterday, I unfollowed her spam because I realised that continuously checking Instagram just to see whether she replied me is slowly starting to kill me inside. It became a toxic action and I was just doing things to get her attention. I’m not fine you know. I’m really not and to keep my emotions inside all bottled up is really exhausting.
It occurred more than once when people came up to me and told me that I looked exhausted. I think they’re right because yesterday I was truly physically and emotionally exhausted. I couldn’t keep a straight face anymore and thus, I decided not to join the UTR people for supper. I think that will be the plan from now on. I know… I know… I have to avoid the friend I love just because she is there but I think to help me be a better person and to help me recover from this heartbreak, avoiding is the only way to go regardless what we are to each other, friends or whatever.
I just want to be who I was before but I don’t think that is possible in the near future. My heart has to be fixed and I just don’t know how to.
Ya Allah… I’m truly in need of your help. I know you put me through this to teach me a lesson but Ya Allah, do make it easier and lighter for me. I know that I’m strong enough to carry the burden that you have placed on my shoulders but it is very hard to see it now. Ya Allah, I just want a way out of these feelings. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of feeling at all. Every single day I wake up with a heavy heart and I just don’t know how to remove it. So, Ya Allah, do heal and mend my heart, do remove my pain and sorrows and do let me come out of this a better person. I know that she is not meant for me and I do not want to hold on to any hope that I’ll be with her in the future any longer so do help me to let go. Please.
She was everything to me but now she has to be nothing to me. Not a lover, not a best friend, not even a friend. I have to treat her as an acquaintance and I hate it.
I love you but I can’t any longer.