this sucks

Yesterday,

my parents asked me if I already found a ‘replacement’. As usual, I didn’t show any emotion but inside I was shocked. I guess they expected me to move on quickly but unknown to them, I have not.

Every single day, I wake up thinking about her, I wake up wondering what it would be like if I actually realised all the mistakes that I did whilst with her…

I have not let go. As much as I think I have, signs such as counting down the days, thinking about what I would do with her, suffocating myself from the world… are clear signs that I haven’t moved on. I guess I managed to cope with it but other than that, I still loved her wholeheartedly as much as the day we separated, if not, even more.

Yesterday, I wanted to write a note, a note for her for when I would ask her out again but I stopped myself because if I were to do so, I would be hoping and I didn’t want to end up disappointed.

sigh.

I miss her a lot. Maybe it is because it is my first love and I hadn’t known any lover aside from her… but maybe I am just too infatuated with the idea of her…

As I run through the scenarios over and over again, I can’t help but realise that we are completely different people. I hate to say it but I guess we are. But I love her and I really want to try again. sigh. this sucks.

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