the priming of social circles.

I think it has begun for me. I am in my last year as an undergraduate in NUS. I’m studying Life Sciences. I have a few more modules to read before I can finally graduate. During my time here in NUS, I am proud to say that I have contributed a lot by joining ad-hoc activities and events and also contributing back in many small ways. I have to say that I’m impressed by my own growth and development throughout the years.

With every new group that I join or any new event that I helped to organise, I will inevitably meet new people, people that I will learn to care for and learn to communicate with. However, after reaching the peak of my involvement in activities last semester, I feel that I’m back on the path of being a reclusive.

I have many friends that have already graduated and a lot of them told me that the last year is when you find out who your true friends are and who actually cares for you and make an effort to maintain that friendship with you. And I think that is coming true for me in a way. As I stepped back from NUS Muslim Society and also from NUS Silat, the people that I once hanged out with are fine when I’m not there. Maybe it is too early to say but I guess I didn’t really care much whether they are my friends or not. Sadly, I don’t really worry if they aren’t my friends. I mean it is nice to know them and they’re lovely people but somehow I am comfortable with the idea of letting them go.

I don’t know what to make of it but I think I’m looking for quality friends and not quantity anymore. I have never always felt to be part of a group or a clique even since I was in primary school. I’ve always been that floater who people are comfortable hanging out with but not comfortable to be completely honest with. In a way, I’m fine with that but sometimes… ugh.

Anyway, my life is getting more solitary as the days go by and also, in a way I’m consciously secluding myself from other people. I’m socially drained and I don’t think I care much. FOMO is a huge problem for me and I think I’m trying to teach myself to let go of what’s important to focus on my own dreams and aspirations. This period of my life should be focused on myself, am I right? Well…

Partly, partly… I just want to be away from people for a while just to understand myself better. I’m really tired of putting a front and acting that everything is all right because I’m not. Since the break-up, I haven’t actually been myself and I’m dealing with my sadness by overcompensating on my annoyance on people and my supposed ‘happiness’. Sigh. It sucks. It does and to be honest, I just want to get better and freaking move on.

So, for now, I’m staying away from crowded places and from people and only meeting a few friends once in a while. We’ll see how it goes for a week and then maybe a month and then maybe many months…

I’m just broken and I want to fix myself and to be freaking honest, I don’t think I can do it myself…

but I have to.

I’m sorry everyone.

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