I’m afraid of becoming who I was before.

After everything that I did to grow myself and develop myself into someone better, someone that can be trusted and someone that can be considered ‘successful’, I’m throwing everything down the drain.

I can’t. I’m just… disappointed at myself for doing everything that is wrong as of late. I don’t know why I did the things that I did but I am full of regret. Every single time I wonder why did I do the things that I do. I don’t know to be honest. The chase is wearing me thin and I don’t know if I can go on any longer.

Heartbreak.

It is a painful thing. A scary thing to be honest but it is something that I have to go through to propel myself further in life but is that just a front? Maybe I’m being propelled back, back in time into my coward, timid and weak self. I can’t do that. Not after everything…

Why… why am I throwing all of that away? Sigh.

I’m just destroyed, crushed in fact as to why I cannot move on. Every single day the thought just fills my mind and I’m left sad and alone and this lonely semester isn’t helping me in any way either. I stopped going for training partly because of lab work and also partly because I didn’t want other people to treat her differently. She told me that she was treated differently if I was there compared to when I wasn’t there. Sigh. If only she knew how painful those words meant. I’m sorry… and because of that I have to keep my distance. I don’t know how she does it, treating me as a ‘friend’ when we were once not… I admire her tenacity but I don’t think I can do it because every time I see her face, I am reminded of what could have been. Sometimes I wished that we hate each other to guts so that it’ll be easier for the both of us but that’s not what happened. I still love her, I love her as much as I did 3 months ago and I don’t know why.

I am destroying myself. I know that but I can’t help it. Is this how people fall into the abyss? I hope not because I don’t want to. I want to still be aware and hold on to my sense but I don’t know for how long. Communication is key in a relationship, I told myself that every single time but I never did realise that we weren’t communicating. Sigh. If only we did.

Oh well, I think I’m rambling right now but I really don’t know how to move on from this. I’m afraid that if I were to ask a girl out, I would be treating her as a rebound and heck, that is the last thing I want to make a girl feel secondary. I’m sorry.

Sigh. They say work on yourself and learn to love yourself but I do, oh I do but there is always that dark part of me that keeps fighting for control and once in a while, he’ll win. Unfortunately, today was one of those days but insyaAllah I’ll bounce back but… I don’t know when.

I just need to move on from this and it sucks, it sucks big time… Only through pain can some lessons be taught and I guess Allah SWT is teaching me to be patient. Sigh, how long more should I be patient? I don’t know but I hope that one day, it’ll be worth it.

What do I want now?

I don’t freaking know.

and I’m sorry.

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