I began this journey to Korea with the hopes of being closer to Allah SWT and His Messenger SAW. I began this journey with the intention to better myself and truly learn how to be independent in a foreign country. I began this journey in the hopes that I can cleanse my heart from all the sins that I have committed in the past but after today, I do not think I have tried hard enough.
As I typed this, we have entered the 2nd of January 2020 and like every other new year, we hoped to start it off strongly. However, I do not think I did. Instead, I faltered. I feel a sense of betrayal towards myself and a sense of lack of self-control. I do not think I can discipline myself long enough and these kinds of things always happen when I am tired and stressed out. Unfortunately, as of late, that comes a bit too often.
I have to admit that I am mentally weak. It was proven during silat competitions and now it will prove itself to be true yet again in terms of self-awareness and self-improvement. It will rear its ugly head again when I am feeling exhausted and vulnerable.
To be completely honest, I am exhausted. Exhausted from my lack of self-discipline, lack of self-control, lack of focus and the lack of everything that is good. I wanted to be a better person both spiritually and physically but I am truly failing in both. I have severed my connection with Allah SWT countless times and it is truly becoming exhausting to restart all over again. I truly regret and I truly repent though I still commit the same mistakes over and over again. It is unfortunate that there are somethings that I cannot control. I am truly enslaved by my own self.
I think in many aspects of my life, I have become the shadow of a person I once was. I am no longer as driven, I procrastinate a lot and I no longer find joy in the things I once loved to do. One example is my business. I have always loved doing photography but as of late, I have been chasing the money and that is not something that fulfils me in the long run. The money comes and as quickly as it comes, it goes… I have lost the motivation to better myself further anymore and it sucks. My passion for it is slowly dying and I hate it. It was that one thing that I loved but now… not as much anymore.
I am truly a shadow of my former self.
Maybe in this post, I will have to admit many things and maybe by admitting them I can truly move on.
Firstly, I think my readers and my close friends would know that I still have some feelings for my ex. Not much but it is there, unfortunately. I know that I shouldn’t anymore and truly I’m trying. I’m trying with all my heart and I think she is too. To be completely honest, if she were to change her mind about me and come back to me, I would accept her with open arms but I know that that shouldn’t be the case. The relationship didn’t work for a reason and I truly have to accept it. In retrospect, there were many things that didn’t work out and for me to feel as if I’m on thin ice all the time, it sucks. And I think I still love her because I created this fantasy around her which should be proof enough that such a relationship is based on lies and fantasies that I had built. And even if the outcome would be the opposite, it will happen regardless maybe some time in the future, I don’t know but I’m surely not waiting or hoping for that. I guess I am tired of waiting anymore, of being the person that I am not around her and doing things out of sheer necessity. I just hope that I’m right this time. (Edit: I’ve received news that her heart is somewhere else and I hope that that should be enough for me to completely let go. If I don’t let go now, it will ruin me. Also, I just hope that I don’t feel this way about her or about whoever she will be with in the future because everything happens for a reason. It is time to let go. Though, I’m truly happy for her.
Secondly, I have consistently broken the connection with Allah SWT. It sucks because I truly want to go closer to Him but because of this habit/behaviour that I have since young, it has prevented me from doing so. Maybe 2020 is the year? I will have to set a goal and I will have to achieve it. I think 2020 is the year and I’m done. It has been happening for a freaking decade and it is about time this disease of the heart stops.
I feel destroyed and defeated about what has been happening in my life. As much good as I want to see in 2019, I also can’t help of remembering the bad. It is sad, truly. 2019 has truly been full of drama and chaos. It also includes broken relationships, friendships and everything in between. It was truly a total blur. If I’m being honest, I cruised through 2019 without much thought of developing myself further nor striving hard for something. I was a total laze and I hate it. I truly hate my 2019 self.
I always wanted to be a better person but I lacked the attention span, the motivation and just the planning on how to do so. Furthermore, I’ve been trying to find Allah SWT all these while but it bears no fruit. The droning ‘urgh’ feeling that I have in my heart is still there. The disease can only continue to grow and fester. And I truly hope this year will be different. I have to put in the effort.
Honestly, I’m tired of the drama, the problems that people are facing and the issues that involves me. I’m tired of it all. I just want to rest and mind my own business. Sigh. And if being in Korea does not help, I don’t know what will. Unfortunately, it hasn’t.
People offload onto me their issues and asked for advice but i guess there’s a flaw in that which is I have no one to turn to and ask for advice.
Hmm… let me think.
I think I have always wanted to read as many books as possible be it fiction or non-fiction but I think this time round I have to quantify it. 24 books in 12 months? That sounds about reasonable. That’s about 2 books per month. I think that can be done. Furthermore, it would include both fiction and non-fiction. Yea. I think that’ll work. Okay, to be honest, I am excited for this.
I have always wanted to recite as fluently as possible but I have yet to be able to reach that level. This time I have been practising almost every single day and I’m not so sure whether I am improving because there are some days where I’m cruising through the passages but there are other days that I’m kind of being a bit slow. Hmm… but this year I want to recite fluently and insyaAllah with the proper grammatical notations, tajweed and the like.
How can I do this?
I think by hiring a teacher which I would do promptly after Korea.
- Memorise Surah Yaseen
I’m currently at Verse 23 I think and I have 60 more verses to go. I think memorising the surah is just a fun little experiment for me and not so much of anything else. I’ve always loved this surah and it might come in handy, insyaAllah.
- Build a Business
I have a few things in mind. Firstly, it is the podcast, I want to develop it as much as possible and ensure that it is sustainable enough to be handed down.
Also, I need to do something about my photography business. It is a bit hard to get off but insyaAllah if I put in the right effort, it will be something, at least.
To build these, I need a few things. I need graphics and videos to promote the podcast and I need a system that allows us to cycle through information.
- Get a Job
2020 is the year that I’ll be graduating and it will also be the year whereby I would have to apply for countless jobs and try to support myself in this vicious world. I would also need that money for my future marriage, whenever that will be. So, I better start now.
I need to prepare my resume and start sending in applications.
Okay, I think for now, those are my resolutions. I’m sure I’ll think of other things along the way but now, I need to lift off some things off my shoulders, some emotions that are burdening me.