it is comforting to be sad but it is also exhausting.
love shouldn’t be plagued with so much difficulty. If it is meant to be, it shouldn’t put you through so much pain. Forcing something that is not meant to be will just destroy you and I guess I have destroyed myself in the process.
i have lost so much of who I am. To be so obsessed over someone shouldn’t be the case. it has to feel like home. i never felt like home.
i always felt as if I needed to do better, that I was not good enough and not trying hard enough. definitely there were times when that was the case but there were also times when I feel as if I was inadequate. (redflag). I should have seen it. I should have known. these are the remnants of what could’ve been and I truly want this to end. I’m exhausted of feeling this way and being reminded of what could have been. it is regret working but then what’s the point in regretting? what’s the point of feeling remorse over something that had already happened and something that can never be fixed again. it is impossible to wish for a time machine and change everything. why then do we mourn?
i guess we cared too much and we have grown attached. it is as if a part of us died along with it. and I guess a part of us did die. well, figuratively. we lost our identity and we feel pain every step of the way. i guess it has gotten better since then but again, the next challenge rears its head. gahhh.
i can do this. i can do this.