I’m tired of my own nonsense.

I’m tired as to how I always place myself in a position that threatens my connection with Allah SWT. I’m tired as to how I always fail and disappoint myself. I’m tired as to why I do such things to myself. I will always feel guilt and anger and it is slowly destroying me.

2020 is supposed to be the year but unfortunately, it is off to a bad start. I want to accomplish so many things this year as technically, it will be my last year being free. Regardless, there are dreams that I want to achieve but you know what’s holding me back? Myself.

I’m slowly eating and destroying myself from the inside out. I’m always losing connection to Allah SWT and it is scary because what if one day He decides to take me away when my iman is the lowest? What if He decides to take my soul when I’m committing a sin? Sigh. I pray, Ya Allah, I pray that you take me when my iman is the highest and when my love for you is the highest. Please don’t take me when I’m in a state that is not favourable in Your eyes. Please.

It will be an understatement to say that there are things that I want to change about myself. I’m really not happy with the way things are going with myself. I’m so confused and lost right now and I just wish that I’m as normal of a person as I can be, again.

I want to change.

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