What do I feel?

What do I feel?

I think I still feel lonely, sad and also disappointed.

Despite a few weeks had passed, it still feels somewhat sad that it happened and working in an industry that is all about love and happiness doesn’t make it any easier.

With so many of my friends getting engaged and married this period of the year, it can’t be helped that I would compare them to myself. The question I would ask myself is this: “Why do they get their happily ever after and not me?”

Maybe it is the wrong time for me, maybe I’m just too early in the process, maybe it is a way for Allah SWT to tell me that I’m not ready, maybe, maybe, maybe…

Regardless, heartbreak is not something that can easily be mended and no matter how much I try to act natural in front of her, there’ll still be there soreness in my heart. It is especially so seeing her happy and energetic with someone else despite knowing that their relationship is just friends. I can’t help but feel jealous and looking back, maybe it was because she was never like that with me. She was never her true excited self, singing, laughing and being in the moment. Looking back, she was always uptight, proper, calm and seemingly minimally bored. Now, I realised maybe I was just not her type…

Argh, it doesn’t get any easier, does it?

I just want the feelings to end so I can finally move on but no… it. doesn’t. get. any. easier…

I just know that I cannot willingly give my heart to anyone anymore lest they find me unsuitable for them and crush it. I have learnt to safeguard it and to protect it.

Sigh,

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Eid

Yet another Ramadan has passed.

but after all these years, everything still seemed the same.

Nothing drastic has changed in my life. Well I thought it had last year but turns out I’m back to square one and it made me realise how futile our efforts can be if it is just not meant to be in the first place. It is as if we are leading our lives in a huge cosmic joke, trying our best to achieve something but ended up with nothing.

But I think we can seek comfort knowing that we have actually learnt something from our experiences. With Eid this year being one that I’m single again, I have to navigate back to how I was like before all of that happened which is to just trudged on these two days of Eid and immediately go back to work on the third day (I have been facing productivity problems as of late and I just can’t wait to get back on track.)

I think it is just sad that Eid this year will be the same like the Eid 2 years back. It just shows how 0 progress I have made in my life story. It sucks. It really sucks but I guess the lessons learnt from it is something that I can hold on to till I die.

Ah I’m sorry to put all of you in this sombre mood. Regardless, I’m just blessed to have supportive friends that understands me and could comfort me when I needed it. But then again, this Eid, my loneliness is even more apparent.

May our deeds in the past Ramadan be accepted and may we continue to grow into better people. May we not remain stagnant and may we achieve happiness. Amin.

Coming to terms

Life is full of contrasts. You need one to see the other. One cannot appreciate happiness without sadness.

I think I’m slowly coming to terms with this breakup. Life is usually filled with processes and not the end result. It is through the process that we learn. I guess entering this relationship was part of the process of making me into a better person.

I’ve been a broken person before and during the relationship but I think I failed to realise that and only seeing it after. By making me going through the process of falling in love, being emotionally attached to someone and then breaking up, Allah SWT might have wanted me to realise that I’ve been broken all along and that I haven’t been whole for a long time.

By going through this break up, He made me realise that I can never be dependent on someone else and the break up is what I needed to bring me back closer to Him.

We can never truly understand what He wants but my best guess is that the pain of this experience is for my own benefit and to make me a better person. I’ve strayed from the straight path for a very long time and it is about time I fixed my soul.

Life is full of contrasts and I guess throughout my time with her, I wasn’t able to appreciate the happiness that I had. I had never experienced the pain of a break up or any other emotional trauma and thus, I wasn’t able to truly appreciate her. I became too comfortable and slowly became insensitive. Only through this was I able to understand what it means to be in a relationship, to truly cherish one another and to truly give each other 100% attention. We might not have been meant for each other but I still cherish her and love her for tolerating me. This is a huge takeaway from this experience and I will definitely learn from it for my next relationship whenever that is.

Sigh. Regardless, it is hard to swallow but those are lessons that I really need to learn from. I had always been broken and I had always been ill-prepared for marriage and I wouldn’t have known otherwise without this experience.

I’m glad that I’m emotionally stable enough to learn but sadness still lingers of what could’ve been.

Thank you for everything, Syazana. May we continue to be close friends and be there for one another whenever needed. ♥

A plan?

For the first time ever, I do not have a plan and that might be why I’m not able to move on as quickly as I want to.

I still miss her from time to time especially when I see her face. It is as if reality is reminding me of what I had lost. The opportunity to marry someone that checked all the boxes just slipped and I only have myself to blame.

She said that “it is me, not you” but that can never be further from the truth. The breakdown of a relationship is usually caused by both sides and one has to take the initiative to propose a break. As much as I want to believe, and the facts state so, that we’re just not meant for each other, there is still this tug on my heartstrings telling me that maybe we could’ve worked out.

However, I need to constantly remind myself that maybe not now, maybe later that we’re meant to be because jodoh tak ke mana.

But even if we are ultimately meant for each other, this break could not have come at a better timing. I realised that I needed to grow and being in that relationship didn’t allow me too. I was too comfortable. Like what my professor said this morning, “Mild stress is required for us to do work and it is good.” I guess this is that mild stress that will propel me to do the work that I need on myself. I’ve been stagnating for too long.

I guess as much as I missed her, as much as I want her back, as much as I want to marry her and carry her in my arms, I can’t and I might never be able to ever, I need to grow and learn and be better.

So there needs to be a plan. A plan when I can finally consider myself ready for a relationship and ready for marriage. This is a rough idea:

  1. Religiosity
    Religion is a very important thing and one that I had greatly neglected the past year. With increasing my religiosity, it also comes with a change in lifestyle. It will be hard but I think it will be better for me and for my future. There are several aspects of my religion that I’m critically lacking in especially when I am planning to get married. They are the recitation and tajweed of the Quran, understanding Islamic Jurisprudence/Fiqh and also the Sunnah of the Prophet SAW.

    I have chosen these areas to possibly focus on and study because I feel that they will play a huge role in helping me navigate my life and in making a decision for my family. The recitation and understanding the Tajweed of the Quran is a very crucial factor albeit a basic one that all Muslims must have. Unfortunately, my upbringing didn’t allow for that and thus, some self-imposed effort is needed. By being able to recite properly and beautifully, it can help in bringing peace to the household and also in guiding my future children.

    By understanding Fiqh, I think it will definitely help in making clear decisions in life and thus, create a lifestyle that brings in barakah and pleases Allah SWT.

    Understanding the sunnah of the Prophet SAW and practising them will also help in bringing myself closer to Allah SWT and to the Prophet SAW and thus, guide a family that Allah SWT be pleased with.

  2. Career
    Finances are very important if I want to get married and if I want to show that I am serious about it, I need to have the financial resources for a wedding and whatever that comes after. A career is not just any job but a job that I am willing to stay on for a long-term. It will be different than my side-hustle and will be the main source of my income and funding.

    As of now, I have a few plans in mind. At first I thought of doing a PhD but after listening to the advices of my friends and my experience of doing FYP, I don’t think it is a path that I want to pursue. Furthermore, I don’t think the life of a researcher is one that I would like to be in. Next, I was thinking of doing interns at startups especially marketing positions just to understand the market better and the skills that are required to be successful in the environment. That is something that is more realistic as it is related to what I want my side hustle to be, a designing/hustle co-working space with a studio for creative work. Finally, I even considered teaching as of late. As the only other job that I ever did, I thought teaching was an exhausting job but one with many perks. However, I feel that it is a job that is hentak kaki whereby it will be hard to jump into another job as the experience in teaching might not be applicable in other areas whereas it might be useful to gain experience in other areas and then embark onto teaching.

    So, I’m not so sure yet. I need to continue searching and understanding the working world better first. Possibly, I’ll do an internship next summer and we’ll see how it goes from there.

  3. Bank Account
    Bank account is due to obvious reasons. Money is needed for so many things if I want to get married: wedding, BTO, survival etc. Therefore, having a fat bank account is crucial. I’m currently saving and working on the side to get some extra and putting it into my OCBC account. Hopefully I’ll be able to get it as fat as possible by the time I graduate. I’m trying to save 1/4 of every earnings I get into that account.
  4. Side Hustle
    I’m currently working with my friend as a partner for his wedding photo & video company. There are major things that I want to implement in the company and it will be something that I want to work really hard on. This company needs to grow and that is a requirement before I get married because then it will help me to have somewhat of an idea of how my dreams will be like next.
  5. Emotional State
    I need to be sound and in a calm state of mind. Currently, I’m still emotionally affected by the breakup and I don’t think it will go away any time soon but before I get married and to whomever I get married to, I want to love her 100% and not be distracted by the past. As long as I’m still not capable of loving her completely, it would not be fair for her whoever she is.

I truly don’t know who I’ll get married to or if I will ever get married. However, I guess it is important to prepare myself for whatever that is to come.

Anyway, I still have this hope of trying it with her again. I don’t know when but I just want to. Like what she said, maybe we are just not meant to be now, maybe we are too early in the process but jodoh tak ke mana and if we are meant to be then we will meet again and try again. Sigh. I just wish Allah SWT give me a very clear sign as to whether I should still hold on to this hope or not. If she is meant for me, please keep her close to me but if she is not meant for me, please keep her far far away (as far away as possible) from me. I guess if we seldom meet in school or even if we are in the same clique but we do not see each other that often, I guess that is a clear sign that we are not meant to be but if it is otherwise, I might still hold on to that hope that we might get together again. Sigh. I miss her a lot, I really do but I need to move forward and execute this plan. May Allah ease.

Small actions build great things

“Well-being is realized by smalls steps, but is truly no small thing.”

–Zeno, Quoted in Diogenes Laertius

There’s a saying in Malay which goes like ‘sikit-sikit lama-lama jadi bukit’ which means that every small action as long as it is consistent will slowly build up into something greater.

I think that is the same for that quote from The Daily Stoic. It reminds us that every small action might not seemingly look important but ultimately it will build into something greater. The example that I want to share is on our character. Character cannot be built immediately or changed in a split second but with constant training and conscious effort, one can improve our character as a person.

That was one of the things I realised after the break. There were so many things that I have laxed that I was no longer growing as a person. I become a vanilla, that boring person with repetitive actions whilst she sought out for more. I haven’t been doing the small steps that made me a successful individual before the relationship. My morning and evening routine were butchered and I no longer exercise as fervently as before.

It was possible that priorities had changed but I feel that it was more of feeling too comfortable knowing that my life was somewhat secured. Thus, only after it ended do I realise that that isn’t the case. These small nonactions destroyed me as a person and my drive waned.

Now I have to fix it and become better. Not for her but for myself. To replace that fragment that was lost and to build the life that I really wanted.

Small steps might not mean anything but it will compound over time. May my efforts not be wasted. Amin.

i hate this.

How do you move on knowing that you have lost everything?

The correct answer is that you just do and trust in His plans.

But…

That’s not the answer I want. It is as if I’m trying to find an answer that satisfies me and in actual fact, there will never be an answer that can satisfy me.

It is as if I’m constantly choked up with tears. I cannot seem to be able to move on and that every thought that I have of her will just almost surely bring me to tears.

I saw her today and we were in the same room but I barely maintained my composure. I don’t know…

It sucks. It sucks so much and I can no longer trust myself to be alone with my thoughts. That is why I’m watching the Silat people training now. I know that if I were to be alone, I would have just gone into a very dark place.

And…

it is as if I want to be in that dark place. It seems very appealing right now…

But I can’t. I can’t do this to myself. I’m stronger than this… but strength… my strength is limited and I just want everything back to normal. I want to just go to her and tell her that I have learnt my lesson and that we can end this nightmare already but I know that that is not right. It is not right for me to demand such a thing from her. I know that we couldn’t be together. Not right now… She deserves time and she deserves every right to break up with me…

Ah! screw this. I can’t dwell on this any longer. It just sucks my soul.

I’m sorry.

Questions?

I’m not sure if they tell you this but it kind of hurts your self-confidence a bit.

One day you are all pride and confident on tackling the world and the next, you just feel so timid and small. Everything you thought you knew about yourself and this world were suddenly put to question.

“Is that how people really think of me?”

“Is that how I really behave?”

“Was I really an a**hole all along?”

yeah. I guess I was. It really made me question whether I’ve treated people with the basic respect they deserve all these while and it really put to the forefront the question of whether I’m good enough.

I know I know… I know I shouldn’t question that and it is not something to be discussed about but when you took such a blow to your face, that’s the only thing you can think about.

“Was I good enough?”

“Was I really inadequate?”

“Am I not the person I think I am?”

“Who would marry me for being such a trash and not able to take care of somebody’s emotions?”

Yeah… those questions really do come to mind and it made me wonder if I’m still as immature as I’ve ever been. If you know me, you would know that I’m the person who have immense self-esteem and I would be confident enough to say certain things and do certain things. However, now, it made me question if that was really self-confidence or was I just hiding behind a shell of ‘self-confidence’? Was I truly a timid person and by acting proud and confident a move to overcompensate for my lack of it?

I really am starting to be believe that the latter is true and I’m glad that it was finally brought to the surface. I guess the weird jokes that I crack and the ‘witty’ things that I say are just a shield to guard my inner issues of self-esteem. I guess I’m fundamentally a quiet and vulnerable person and any sense of trying to show my emotions caused me to panic. Maybe that’s why I rarely called her by endearments in real life. I might have been too afraid to commit and afraid of being hurt when it is rejected. That fear seems to have taken what is dear to me. I shouldn’t have been shy about sharing my feelings nor I shouldn’t have been afraid of telling her what I truly wanted her to hear. I guess every single time that I put it off makes her step back further and further away.

Don’t worry. I’m not being self-abusive nor looking down on myself but these are things that I only realised now and weaknesses that I need to work on. I don’t know how I can fix them but I think with time and conscious effort to change the way I behave might help?

Regardless, what is lost has been lost and there’s no point crying over it. I just have to take one tiny step at a time and recover that lost friendship again.