Tawakkal

Have faith in Him.

Always.

It is one of the most hardest thing to do.

But sometimes after we have put in all of our efforts, we just have to sit back and let Allah SWT do the rest.

It is not without effort but insyaAllah, with trust in Allah SWT, things that we want to happen will happen. If not, it may be for the best because He knows what is best for us.

It is hard to let go of something or someone that you care about so much but if it is meant to be, it will reach you regardless.

I have tried my best but I cannot see any results. I think it is time for me to tawakkal and let Allah SWT do the rest.

It is not giving up but it is letting go. Letting go and knowing that whatever that comes my way is for the best.

It is because I love her that I have to let her go. She deserves happiness and maybe her happiness does not lie with me. Maybe my happiness does not lie with her too. May He guard our hearts and guide our hearts to real happiness.

With love,

Hakim

He is the Best of Planners after all

Today I learnt the most painful thing ever.

To see the person you love love someone else can destroy you.

To listen to her speak his name for no apparent reason brings pain.

To be close to her and being neither here nor there makes you question what is actually your worth.

But you know that you are worth so much more.

I know that this jealousy that I have will destroy me if I don’t stop it. I need to internalise that she is not for me and may never be. She broke my heart and I don’t think I want to do it all over again. Maybe I will wait till I’m 27. Maybe I won’t. I don’t know but what I do know is that whatever that is coming for me will be better.

A friend of mine told me to be patient, for her to slowly realise that whatever her feelings are for this other guy was to fill up a void and that one day, if it’s meant to be, she will realise it that I’ve been there all along.

Everybody tells me that this friendship with her makes things more complicated and that it will hurt me so much but I can’t see any other way. I can’t show her that her feelings for other guys and her telling me that hurts me. I have to be objective and real because other than her family, she doesn’t tell anyone else about it. I’m willing.

Only He knows what’s coming for me and I have full faith in Him. If it’s meant for me, it will come regardless of the situation.

I can plan all I want but He is the best of Planners after all.

oh gosh. i need a sign, i need a clear sign.

would i regret not doing it? yes.

would i regret not trying? yes.

sigh. there’s so much at stake but yet also, so little.

if she says yes, then all is well.

but if she says no?

what’s the worst that can happen? maybe it’ll be awkward for both of us? tbh, i don’t think so. gosh.

my feelings for her has been the same for so long and… since we’re already putting that hope, why not just go all the way?

hais. i don’t know.

i just need a clear sign. that’s all.

I will be going to South Korea for the winter. It will last about a month and I will be alone (though not completely alone) but I am treating the trip as a time to completely be independent and by myself, to rediscover myself as a human being.

Many things have happened in the past year and I think it is a good period to reflect on everything that *has* happened. To reevaluate my thoughts, emotions and my relationship with everyone I love.

This journey is also to prepare myself for my intention to do my umrah alone next year, insyaAllah.

They say that travelling alone is liberating, if not, self-discovering and I hope that it will. I might not have much interest in Korean culture and places but I am much interested in exploring a new place, the nooks and crannies of the place and documenting it.

One of my intentions is to capture Korea in Photographs and make a series out of it. It might spark something new for me as I embark on a new journey in life.

But

before I leave I feel that I need to bring the people I love out on dates or rather, just bring them out. Also, I need to tie some loose ends.

Sigh.

My emotions are a mess. I’m sorry.

Reading week is here… again…

it is reading week again.

and with every reading week, stress is at the maximum.

Everyone is on edge, or rather… almost everyone.

I have a few things to do.

One. To not be distracted. I shouldn’t be distracted.

Two. hustle. get back that mojo that I had when I was in Year 1.

It has been a while since I’m in-tuned and in focus. This is the week. Bismillah.

Three. Prioritise. Prioritise the important things. 9 days till my one and only finals. Just. 9. days. Of. Focus.

it has been a long time since I talked to myself. I think, in a way, I’m afraid of what I might discover deep inside.

Many things have happened since I was away. One of the things is that I’ve finally completed and submitted my thesis. It was a 10-month long work and I’m just so happy that it is over. I had to struggle with many things throughout those 10 months but I am blessed that I managed to trudge through it.

and that’s all over.

But I guess, in a way, I have yet to completely move on from the past.

There was a girl that entered my life and I was truly interested in her but I guess because I did not completely moved on, I tried to find traits that were never in her, traits that reminded me of my ex. That was unfair.

So I became uncomfortable when things began to happen too quickly. I had to take a pause which led to my current situation.

To be honest, I yearn to be back to I was before. At least when I was in pain, I placed my heart in Allah’s hands. I trusted in Him and I sought comfort in Him but now, I feel like a hypocrite. I feel like I’m trying to build my own future instead of navigating the one He had planned for me. And I’m trying too hard that it is leading to disappointments.

Maybe time is what I need? Distance? I don’t know but what I know is that I need to trust in Him a 100%. The future has already been written and whatever He has planned for us will happen, regardless. A friend of mine told me that I should not do anything. Anything meaning that I should not put in much effort to move in any particular direction but go with the flow. And I think that is the best thing to do now. My heart is confused and I guess I just need Allah SWT to slowly unravel what He wants for me and what He has in store for me.

I should focus on other things in life like my career which I think should be prioritized.

Hm…