a step forward

they say that when one goes for umrah/hajj with the intention to become better, they would. 

I call myself a hypocrite. A person who is fronting one character and when no one is looking, I become another. 

with this chance to go for the umrah, there is one thing that I truly hope to achieve, that is to move on from the darkness that has enveloped me for almost a decade. 

12 days isn’t much as compared to a decade but I hope that significant strides will be made.

tbh, I’m nervous. despite the fact that we meet God every single day, to enter THE place where everything happened is one that fills me with intimidation and fear.

I don’t know what He will test me with but I know that whatever it is, it will be beneficial for me in the long run.

I will continue updating this blog as I go along and I hope that upon reflection, it will be filled with many insights as I make this journey of self-discovery.


an amalgamation of stories

There was a time when you feel that you have the world in your hands. There was a time when you feel as if you can conquer anything. There was a time when you feel that you have reached that socially elusive term called, ‘success’.

But then, that was then.

Now, you’re stuck in a rut, consumed by the agony of societal pressure, consumed by the work that has been placed upon you, consumed by your inner desire to fight back but slowly realising that everything you do is futile. The world feels as if it is crushing in on you, collapsing beneath your feet. Your every breath feels laboured, hard… It is as if you’re breathing through a straw while being miles underneath the ocean’s surface… 

It might be time when you feel like you cannot let go, a time when you feel that the only way for this to work is to keep holding on even though you know that it will slowly kill you…

It is ridiculous I must say though, it is happening all around. People hold on to their cancers because they feel that if they were to let it go, they would lose a part of them. Even though they know that they will slowly lose themselves.

Why? Why would people do such a thing?

I don’t know to be honest. Sometimes it is because they have placed upon the other person and idealized version of their lives, thinking that that person would be the one to fulfil their dreams. Other times, they placed upon that person a hope of a better life and soon, they become dependent, too hard to get out from. 

To be honest, I don’t know where I am going with this post. It is more of a vomit post whereby I type whatever I feel like. It started out as a story for all the people who are struggling right now but ended up an emotionally depressing story of poisonous relationships.

Oh well. 

Anyway, it is the end of Y3S1 and the beginning of a new era. Final year is upon me (technically a semester more but I’m planning to begin my FYP as soon as possible). 

Furthermore, it is the trying to get my sh** together phase and clearing out all the old stuff to usher in the new. I realised that I have already found out who I want to be. I have realised my identity as a person. Looking back at my first year when I was still a piece of nonsense, I have to say that I have gone far. Everything that happened in the last 3 years had brought me to where I am today and changed me. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. However, I’m just glad that I have reached this far and there so much more distance to cover in life. I will always continue to strive to be a better creative. It is going to be an experience but as long as I have no baggage, I will take whatever risk I can. 


I miss her. A lot.

in the midst of projects

I’m currently in the midst of several projects that would allow me to gain the necessary skills to be an entrepreneur in the future. First, is the straws business that I’m doing. Since there is a huge gap in the market to provide cheap metal straws as an alternative to the plastic straws, I went in and sold them. I am far from earning a profit and has yet to pay back the cost of purchasing those straws but as far as I can see, it has thought me about marketing, negotiation and the rules surrounding mailing. I also realised that Facebook is an untapped market in Singapore and following the Pareto Principle, it is the place where I get 80% of the attention for 20% effort. I was thinking of furthering my efforts within NUS but since there are some adhocs that are selling straws, I should not disrupt them and just continue to focus on the customers outside of school.

Furthermore, I am the Project Director of FOC2019 and this is a huge thing for me. Leadership is usually something that someone is born with and unfortunately, I consider myself as not a born leader but one that is thought to be one. It is quite a hard thing to do and this is the moment where I have to try to see where I stand in the long list of leaders. It is going to be an experience but one that I hope to be beneficial for all the new members under my care.

For now, examinations are coming and I have to get my game on.

Till next time, cheers.

New things to come


It has been a while, hasn’t it?

My excuse is that I have been busy with Silat the past few weeks. It has been exhausting.

But now, I’m free for a temporary moment. Why a temporary moment? Because I have decided to pick up the role as the project director for this upcoming freshmen orientation camp. It is my first time taking up a role that is central to the whole movement of a project. However, I feel that it is about time that I picked up such a role.

I am confident that I am capable of carrying out the task with a certain level of level-headedness. I also think that if I am unsure about things, I can fall back on trusted people.

Anyway, what a semester it has been thus far. With a few blinks of the eye, it has already reached Week 10 and thus, the end of my Y3S1. Gosh, I’ll seriously miss NUS once graduation comes. Ugh.

Anyway, my life has been rather happening the past few days. One, I was invited to be one of the official photographers for Street Superior 2018. I am honoured and blessed to be able to get such a role. It will be a whole new experience for me and I cannot wait to see what it has in store for me. Also, Gary’s new series ‘Trash Talk’ has been pumping me up for the flip game and I’m trying my best to secure the best deals for the metal straws in China. I really feel that I can flip them and make some good money with my skills in marketing/publicity. Hmm… that will be another whole new experience.

Well, I guess, there are a lot of things to look forward in the coming few weeks and I will try to update as frequently as possible here. Furthermore, I may try to minimalise certain aspects of my life, especially my digital life. So, stay tuned to what I have in store.


It is our choice

People do not realise that how we decide to respond to something makes us be in control.

We all know that we should only focus on what we can control and not what we can’t but for the things that we cannot control, we can instead control how we react to them. Would you cry about something that is beyond your control or would you suck it up and move on?

Be protected from the Accursed.

The goal of Syaitan is to dirty yourself or to make yourself feel dirty to the point where you have lost all of your self-control. He strives to dirty yourself to the point where you can no longer face Allah, thinking that you can never be forgiven.

He strives to break you down, bit by bit to the point where you feel numb to the sins that you have committed, till you stop asking for forgiven from the Most Merciful.

He reasons with you, telling you that your bad deeds are justified. He tears you apart, slowly.

He has promised to attack from the front, back, left and right and promised not to stop till the Day of Judgement.

Therefore, we have to always be on guard.

Sometimes we fail and fall victim to his influences but we must learn to stand back up, every time, vowing to strengthen our will.

May we be protected from the Accursed and the enemies of Allah SWT.

A letter for you

B, I think I love you.

In the past 5 months, I have discovered and learnt so many things about you but what stood out the most is how you stand true to service.

You are a sister, friend, a daughter and you fulfilled all those responsibilities fully and with excess. You carried out your responsibilities in school beautifully and you never failed to stop short of carrying out the amanah.

I have seen you grown in the past 5 months or so and you have really taught me a lot. I can never be who you are but I am glad to have someone like you in my life. You’re a sweetheart too. You’re kind to your parents, you’re kind to strangers, you’re kind to basically everyone. Your heart shines brightly and I have never seen someone so pure.

Even though you told me that you had a phase in the past but as of now, I can see no such phase left. You’re firmer than me in religion and you’re more steadfast. As far as I can see, you are sincere in your service to Allah SWT and despite all the challenges that you might face, you still hold on to that rope, ever tightly.

As far as I can see, I’m a hypocrite but may I never be a munafik. Nauzubillah. You might not know this but I am happy that you’re having a good influence on me. Sometime, your habits can be a bit urgh but I know that you’re doing it for my own good. I guess that’s the treatment you get from someone who loves you.

B, I’m just so happy that I get to be part of your world and I really hope that we’ll stay together till Jannah. Amin.