There are many things that I miss.
I miss seclusion: I miss the quiet time I have to myself, to think, to ponder, and to contemplate.
I miss reading: I miss reading a lot. I miss thinking about ideas in my mind and coming up with new connections between topics.
I miss feeling refreshed: It has been a while since I have woken up ready to seize the day.
I miss feeling healthy: I’ve been eating pretty bad as of late and it is not only affecting my weight but my moods.
I’m going to sleep now and hopefully, I’m refreshed for tomorrow.
This week is exhausting.
Even though I have morning lessons until 12 noon, I would have to wait until 1800hrs for my other commitments, not forgetting the commitments I were to have in between such as meetings and errands to run.
Oh gosh. Furthermore, I have yet to sleep at 2200hrs. Every day since Monday, I have been sleeping near midnight just because of the commitments I have such as Silat and MS. Don’t take this wrong, I might be complaining but I love it. I… I just need sleep.
Anyway, this first week has been an experiment to know what works and what didn’t. So here is a list of what works:
- Waking up early and having early lessons which lead to my school day ending early is awesome.
- I kind of know the flow of my life now but the only problem is the huge gap of time between me ending school and the commitments I have later in the day.
- Lab is fun. I didn’t expect to like it.
Here are the things that didn’t work:
- Going to YIH after class is a bad idea and has always been a bad idea. I do not know what I still gave it a chance. I should just stick to the Science Library, I’ll be so much more productive, insyaAllah.
- I have yet to find time to run/exercise on my own. Having things to do at the ends of the day makes this something that is hard to accomplish. I need to really learn to prioritise what is important.
- The lack of sleep is killing me. I think I should go home during the pockets of time I have to just recuperate before the next activity.
- Recitation of the Quran. I need to work on my reading skills. I do not want to be left behind. I have received the way to fix it but I just need to find the proper time to do it. Hmm… seems like I need to block out time for specific activities.
- I do not have time to create. I am so bogged down by the idea of work and future work that I do not have time to let my ideas run free and flow. I believe it has impeded my ability to truly be creative.
- Social Media. Social Media is toxic. I need to step away from it and only use it if I really have to. THIS IS GOING TO BE VERY HARD.
- Revision. As I said above, I’m too bogged down by the idea of having work to do that I did not allocate time solely for revision and study. It is only the first week of school but the work has already piled up into a thick stack.
SEEMS LIKE THE TO-DO IS TO BLOCK OUT TIME FOR SPECIFIC ACTIVITIES ONLY.
Anyway, yea. I have meetings after this and then some event that I might or might not attend. Tomorrow, I will have some MS photographer duties (which I am very reluctant to do). Oh well… Just got to do it. It is my job after all.
I have many things that I want to share with you but I think the one thing that has been bugging me is the inadequacy that I feel as a human being, a creator and a future entrepreneur.
I feel inadequate when I compare myself to other people. Like… I know that I shouldn’t compare myself to someone’s highlight reel but it really shows how less work you’re putting in compared to the rest.
I just want to start completing things. Like… right now, I have so many pending works but none are things that I have yet completed. I’m only like a step in for all of them and no real progress have been made.
I’m quite nervous at the amount of work that is piling but it also excites me a little. I just want to do it. I need time.
I really need time to just sit down and think with a fresh mind.
It’s hard to think when you’re exhausted or when you have things that distract you.
I need to review my plan. I really need to.
I shall do it now.
As of late, I feel peace whenever I pray. Alhamdulillah.
Like there’s a sense of connection to Him when I place my head on the ground in sujud. It feels awesome.
This year, I really want to try to do as many of the sunnahs as possible. I really think it can make me into a better person. It is going to be hard, especially the tahajjud but I think if one wants to become better, he has to put in the effort. I think I should put in the effort.
Furthermore, I don’t have lessons after lunch, thus, I don’t think I will fall prey to the post-lunch coma. So I think I can afford that sleeplessness and sleep after Zuhr.
InsyaAllah, by the end of the year, I will be a better person.
I love the weather as of late, the cool breeze, the sparsely drizzle rain, all of that. I love it.
I love how I’m able to wear my jacket out, how I didn’t perspire as much and how comforting it all feels. I love it.
I know that such a weather will not last. So, all of us should treasure it while it is still here. Who knows, the weather might be a whole lot warmer the next time around.
Anyway, this semester is all about learning. Learning to read the Quran, learning new knowledge from books I’d amassed, learning film-making, photography and all the accompanying apps. It’s going to be all about learning.
Let’s do this.
In the past week, I had gone to two separate camps, NUSMS Exco Retreat and the Annual Silat Bonding Camp 2018.
Both were a blast.
It’s funny how putting people into a common space can build friendships. By putting people together and doing activities together, it builds up common experiences that I believe are crucial to building up a team.
I loved everyone that I had met through the camps and I really hope that the friendships forged continue to build up from there.
However, the coming and going of the camps also highlight that school is starting soon, next week in fact. It is scary how quickly time passed by and how time never waits. Well… a new semester is here and I better get my s*** together quickly. I cannot let this semester go to waste; work hard is one thing but working smart is another.
I honestly don’t know what to feel about the new semester. It will be different as I’ll be taking many modules alone, it will be a test of my independence. Furthermore, I’ll be pursuing newer topics and newer things that I have never been exposed to; I’m really going out of my comfort zone.
Anyway, I really want to try to put in my best this semester and truly live by the word: hustle.
It is also my last semester in both of my exco positions and I really want to make a change and make a difference. I will try my best, insyaAllah.
This week truly has been a week of reflecting.
Now, at the MS retreat, lying down at the iktikaf area, I’m just reminded of how sucky I had been in the past. Not being close to what I could’ve been, the way I treat people, the way I do things… It’s all coming back to me.
I realised that I’ve been a douche. I guess. I played passive aggressive, trying to work my way around things…
I don’t know. This sucks a lot. But I’m glad that I realised this now. It is a stepping stone for me. A stepping stone for myself to be better. Well… talking about stepping stones, I’ve officially signed up for a Quram class. Alhamdulillah.
Anyway, I’ve been thinking about my relationships with people a lot and how I had interacted with them in such relationships. It sucks how it has to be this way, how I had treated them, how I had felt now and then.
I just want to try to be a better person, if I had to become someone else in that pursuit, why not?
Hmm… Gosh this is troubling.