Let’s Talk About Death

It seems that the theme for this first week of 2018 is death.

I went to Maqam Habib Noh, then to the cemetery and then heard news of the loss of my friend’s friend’s loved ones.

It cannot be mere coincidence that I received such news related to death this whole week.

It might that Allah SWT wants to remind me of how probable death is and how it can affect me suddenly.

I just don’t know what to feel… how will I react if my loved ones just perish just like that? How can I carry that pain and continue to live on? I would be scarred. Furthermore, you wouldn’t expect such a tragedy can happen to you until it actually happens to you. And when it does, it will knock you off your feet. You will just crumble, I know I will.

Oh gosh. My condolences to him. After losing his whole family just like that, I really don’t know how he can move on.

Death comes immediately and unknowingly. There are some deaths that can be predicted but most aren’t. Accidents and organ failures are such.

This week really gets me thinking and pondering about death and how it is so close to us and how it is the only thing that we know will happen in our lives. It is really scary. Sometimes, we become mad at Allah SWT and wondered why he had taken away our loved ones but we shouldn’t question Him. He knows what’s best for us and He chose our burdens in life. Gosh. Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu yang memikulnya. 

I’m sorry if I am blabbering but I just cannot understand how heavy their burden is. I cannot fathom the emotions they’re going through. I cannot seem to imagine how I’d be if I’m in their position. All I can is pray for their emotional well-being and may Allah SWT guide them out of the darkness. I pray also for Allah SWT to grant those that passed, Jannah. Amin.

Oh gosh, it sucks. It sucks so much. Death sucks but… everyone has to go through it. There is no escape. I just hope that I meet Allah SWT when my iman is the strongest and may I die in the best of positions, sujud.

Death is scary not because of death itself but because of the unknown that comes after and the judgement and punishment of Allah SWT that comes with it. Are you ready to meet Allah SWT? I’m not.

You feel pity for the living to have lost someone but you fear more for the dead, hoping that they’re be granted mercy.

A good reminder but a scary one.

 

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New Year’s Resolutions 2018

The year is ending in 5 days’ time.

What should I do to end this year with a bang?

Hm…

Anyway, let’s reflect.

  1. Work Ethic
    I feel that my work ethic has been on a drop in the second half of the year. Partly due to the confusion of the new semester and the fatigue from the previous semester that I didn’t manage to get my s*** together quickly.

    It was a semester when I took my first few Arts modules and thus, I wasn’t sure of what to expect. It was nerve-wrecking navigating through new environments. Furthermore, I was dragged down by the fatigue of the previous semester, not sufficiently resting before the new semester starts.

    Also, being bogged down by two exco positions really crushed my work ethic. I wasn’t as disciplined as I wanted to and I didn’t accomplish much during my term last semester.

    I only got to get my s*** together in Week 10 which was already nearing Finals and only so because all my commitments were on hold. Thus, I’m not sure how I’ll handle the next semester.

  2. School
    Basically, school has been wonderful the past year. I made so many new friends and learnt so much about my CCAs. I think I’ve grown much because of school and my life has been enriched because of it. I’m glad to do what I’m doing now and I don’t think I’d change it for anything else.

    I love everyone that I met and every experience that I’ve lived. Furthermore, I managed to get a lot of opportunities to test out my skills and practice my art form. I’m glad that I’m slowly being recognised and I’m working hard to create better content for people.

    I think I’ve already gotten a feel for how my school life will be like and I hope it continues to allow me to grow throughout the 4 years.

  3. Emotions
    Emotions have been complicated this year. This point deserves its own post but just to make it brief, I fell in love with someone but was pushed away, twice. I mean, I know that it isn’t right and that the timing and all was off but I had to make my emotions known. Who knows how insane I’ll be if I didn’t.

    Whatever it is, I’m trying to move on and I think that if it’s not meant to be, it isn’t. Trust Allah SWT on his judgement.
    His judgement is the best for me.

  4. Goals
    Now, let me look back at my New Year’s Resolutions for the Year 2017.
    Okay. I can’t find it but I’m sure it is along the lines of improving myself in the skills that I’ve attained such as photography, photoshop and video editing.

    I think I’ve considerably improved but I still have far to go.

    Here are my New Year’s Resolutions for 2018
    a) Create More: In terms of photo shoots, videography, vlogs, writing.
    b) Learn Tajweed and read the Quran fluently.
    c) Go for religious classes frequently.
    d) Get back to my NSF fitness level of 70KG, easy 20 pull-ups, a 9.36 min 2.4KM etc.
    e) Read a lot more, at least a book a month.

    This coming year, I will focus on developing myself, to grow myself into a better person, to prepare myself to be an entrepreneur in the future. 

  5. Future Endeavours
    I wish to work and collab with other creators.
    This year I managed to work with a friend of mine for his wedding shoots and I wish to work with him more often and get to know the ins and outs of the industry.

    Next year, I’ll be focusing on such stints and maybe even take up an internship or such in a creative company.

    I seek to open a cafe, a bookstore and a studio in the future, thus, I really have to work hard now. It will not come to fruition on its own.

The last few days have been mentally and emotionally draining but at the same time, I had a lot of time to reflect.

I also gained a newfound inspiration to boost my creativity and keep myself motivated.

The past few days have been a roller coaster and I was only able to control it once I faced my fears yet again.

Hopefully, it will turn for the better. Maybe it is just not meant to be. Let’s see where the future takes me.

Anyway, yea. I’m back into the idea of minimalism and playing with simplistic artworks. I’m also trying to declutter my life so that I’m prepared for the upcoming year. For now, till then, I have many things to reflect on, especially in the past year, my accomplishments etc.

So far, I’ve seen the effects of being minimalist. By keeping things simple and decluttered, I feel freer and motivated to just get things done. I also think I should carry out a morning routine yet again.

I still have many things to clear out and I hope to finish it by the end of the year.

For now, I’m just happy that I have planned all my modules and have interesting books to read.

It is the end of the year and it is time for me to wind down and heal my soul.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

She’s such an innocent gem, not knowing what she’d done and I still acted the way I did.

I tried.

I tried so hard.  Oh gosh. Why am I like this?

I know this one sided thing is stupid, as stupid as it can be but I’m just disappointed.

Disappointed at myself.

Who am I kidding? When they say letting go of something you love is the most hardest thing, they’re right.

I guess it takes time. Over time, it’ll get better, I mean even ex-lovers can become friends again (I’ve seen two examples). But who am I kidding. We’re just friends and everything has been one-sided all along.

Gosh. I’m a joke.

But yea, I shouldn’t do this to her, not one bit. I shouldn’t do this to my friends either. It’s not worth it.

I guess I just have to give myself time and recover.

Got to get this over with quickly.

Being Free

I have wronged myself.

To fall into a trap that countless had warned me.

It is my fault and I am sincerely paying for it.

This is my own emotional battle and I just hope that it gets easier over time.

I have so many things to do, so many dreams to accomplish, I cannot let such things pull me down.

It is the time that I put down the baggage and be free.

To Let Go

To learn how to let go is to learn how to remove things that are impractical in your life, to adopt a minimalist lifestyle whereby only the things that are truly functional for you are kept and the rest, discarded.

I don’t think it is an easy thing to do but I think it might be good practice.

To let go of the things that are holding you back, things that are a baggage in your life.

 

An Obsessed 2017

In 2017, I learnt to have an emotion, an emotion that I was obsessed with for the entire year. It started with a spark and over time, it became a full-blown fire.

At first, I didn’t know what to feel, discovering myself, wondering if it was ever the right thing to feel. However, as I confronted that emotion, I realised that it might be real.

Even though the spark was caused by something else, something psychological, I began to learn to embrace that emotion. However, it is still caused me a certain discomfort of whether it was the right path to take.

I guess… it was never meant to be.

No. No. Don’t get me wrong, I am not heartbroken or anything, I am just disappointed in myself for following my emotions rather than taking the practical path. I was all about practicality but I guess the emotions had the better of me.

I really can’t do this anymore, I truly want to move on but these feelings chained me down. I’ve gone too deep and it seemed there might never be a return. I am trapped.

Also, I realised that there are certain traits that I tended to. One is jealousy, the other is spitefulness. Fortunately, I realised those emotions early on, possibly a coping mechanism of not achieving what I want and Alhamdulillah, I’m working on fixing them, numbing them, suppressing them. I had been successful controlling such emotions for almost 21 years of my life, what makes this any different?

I don’t know.

I guess 22 is the age where I began to realise that I am in fact growing old, my priorities changed, my interests changed and thus, so do my feelings.

They say that as you get older, you become more emotional. That is true for my dad, it might be happening now, for me?

Urgh.

I don’t know. Petty emotions, petty things. These things are not important. They’re a distraction from what is truly important which is to improve yourselves. Work on yourself and make someone out of yourself.

Don’t get distracted.

I hope I can get over this by 2018.

Screw me.