In the between…

this is the period when I’m stuck between letting go and letting God, and it is this period where I’m beginning to miss the little things that she does.

I miss the way she smiles.

I miss the way she puts her finger on her nose when she thinks.

I miss the way she poke her cheeks just to tease me.

I miss the way she runs away from me when I teased her.

I even miss her complaints about anything and everything and I just wished I had truly listened to her and comforted her when she needed me to.

I miss her everything.

and it sucks.

it sucks so much that there’s nothing that can be done about it except to accept it for how it is now. Somehow, it feels like a dream, surreal and ridiculous but I have to learn to accept it.

Gosh, I really hope she finds happiness and I hope I do too. Thank you for being in my life and I was truly lucky while it lasted. I also can’t wait for the day I wake up and realise that I’m over it. Till then…

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Let fate.

I work as a wedding photographer and every single time I see a couple that is soon to be married, every time I see a photograph of couple for inspiration of poses, I thought about what could have been. It hurts every time to see them smile knowing that if all goes well, if we fought harder for it, that could have been us but I guess He has other plans.

Sometimes too I wonder if we are the ones planning this whole journey and He didn’t really want us to go this route anyway. Maybe it could have been our fault and His plans are to bring us back together. I guess we won’t know. But… like what I said in the previous post, it seems like the answer to my istikharah is that we are not meant to be together but again… who knows yeah? I just don’t want to hold on to any hope and going to let fate runs it’s course

I love you but I can’t any longer.

I feel sad.

To be honest, that is the emotion I am feeling right now. Not happiness, not anger, not frustration but sadness.

Yesterday, my truth was exposed and I almost broke down in the bus.

“Why are you doing that? Why are you holding on? You’re doing all that because you want her to be the one to comfort you right? You want to expose all your sadness online to get a reaction from her so that she can be the one to be there for you right?”

Yes and to hell I care.

I just want her to talk to me, to comfort me and to be there for me but I’m holding on to a dream, a dream that will never ever happen. And that broke me.

I’m slowly coming to the realisation that the doa, “if it is good for me keep it close but if it is bad for me keep it far away” is slowly coming true. I had asked for clear signs that our relationship is not meant to be, I had asked Him to put her really far far away from me if that was meant to be and I think He answered it. Now, with the current situation of VP, He has placed her further away from me. He has placed her in a position that will reduce my interaction with her. He has placed her out of Shura just to put her far away from me and that sucks. It sucks to know that that is the fact and I have to face it. It sucks even more that I have to pull out knowing how Shura works. I wouldn’t even receive a vote to be honest and I would be embarrassed as heck. In a way, I felt betrayed. I felt betrayed because she said that she would support me in the position. I felt betrayed because an opportunity for me to make a change in NUSMS is pulled away from me from under the rug. I just felt freaking betrayed but no, I cannot say that to her. I cannot let my disappointment show. Why? Because it is not the right thing to do. I realised that I never had the chance to be VP you know? It is like a huge cosmic joke that the opportunity was even presented to me in the first place. And I was siked… big time.

To be honest, it is hard to do work with a broken heart. It is hard to move on and it is hard to let go. Yesterday, I unfollowed her spam because I realised that continuously checking Instagram just to see whether she replied me is slowly starting to kill me inside. It became a toxic action and I was just doing things to get her attention. I’m not fine you know. I’m really not and to keep my emotions inside all bottled up is really exhausting.

It occurred more than once when people came up to me and told me that I looked exhausted. I think they’re right because yesterday I was truly physically and emotionally exhausted. I couldn’t keep a straight face anymore and thus, I decided not to join the UTR people for supper. I think that will be the plan from now on. I know… I know… I have to avoid the friend I love just because she is there but I think to help me be a better person and to help me recover from this heartbreak, avoiding is the only way to go regardless what we are to each other, friends or whatever.

I just want to be who I was before but I don’t think that is possible in the near future. My heart has to be fixed and I just don’t know how to.

Ya Allah… I’m truly in need of your help. I know you put me through this to teach me a lesson but Ya Allah, do make it easier and lighter for me. I know that I’m strong enough to carry the burden that you have placed on my shoulders but it is very hard to see it now. Ya Allah, I just want a way out of these feelings. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of feeling at all. Every single day I wake up with a heavy heart and I just don’t know how to remove it. So, Ya Allah, do heal and mend my heart, do remove my pain and sorrows and do let me come out of this a better person. I know that she is not meant for me and I do not want to hold on to any hope that I’ll be with her in the future any longer so do help me to let go. Please.

Amin.

She was everything to me but now she has to be nothing to me. Not a lover, not a best friend, not even a friend. I have to treat her as an acquaintance and I hate it.

I love you but I can’t any longer.

what are we

It has been slightly more than a month. My emotions were in control and I was, all in all, myself. I no longer felt intense grief nor sadness or even felt disappointed. When people asked me how I was, I truly felt… fine. But I guess I was wrong.

Even after being more than a month since we parted, even after the ‘closures’ that I had, even after being able to converse with her as friends when we met, yesterday was far from fine. When I saw her, I couldn’t bring myself to look at her in the eye. When she tried to start a conversation with me, I couldn’t say anything else other than an ‘okay’. To be very honest, I’m sooo heartbroken. I haven’t felt like this since the day after we broke up. I felt the tension in the air when she tried to start a conversation, it was as if the whole world paused and I could feel how hard it was for her.

I’m heartbroken. I am. I thought I wasn’t but I’m very sure now that I am. I’m hurt not because of how she felt but I’m hurt because of how blind I was. I’m hurt not because of how it ended but because of how delusional I was. I should’ve known better that it was all too good to be true. I should’ve safeguarded my heart better. I should’ve, I should’ve, I should’ve…

sigh.

it will never be the same again.

i guess it is true that you can never and should never be friends with your exes. i don’t know what we are now but what i truly know is that everything has changed…

What do I feel?

What do I feel?

I think I still feel lonely, sad and also disappointed.

Despite a few weeks had passed, it still feels somewhat sad that it happened and working in an industry that is all about love and happiness doesn’t make it any easier.

With so many of my friends getting engaged and married this period of the year, it can’t be helped that I would compare them to myself. The question I would ask myself is this: “Why do they get their happily ever after and not me?”

Maybe it is the wrong time for me, maybe I’m just too early in the process, maybe it is a way for Allah SWT to tell me that I’m not ready, maybe, maybe, maybe…

Regardless, heartbreak is not something that can easily be mended and no matter how much I try to act natural in front of her, there’ll still be there soreness in my heart. It is especially so seeing her happy and energetic with someone else despite knowing that their relationship is just friends. I can’t help but feel jealous and looking back, maybe it was because she was never like that with me. She was never her true excited self, singing, laughing and being in the moment. Looking back, she was always uptight, proper, calm and seemingly minimally bored. Now, I realised maybe I was just not her type…

Argh, it doesn’t get any easier, does it?

I just want the feelings to end so I can finally move on but no… it. doesn’t. get. any. easier…

I just know that I cannot willingly give my heart to anyone anymore lest they find me unsuitable for them and crush it. I have learnt to safeguard it and to protect it.

Sigh,

Eid

Yet another Ramadan has passed.

but after all these years, everything still seemed the same.

Nothing drastic has changed in my life. Well I thought it had last year but turns out I’m back to square one and it made me realise how futile our efforts can be if it is just not meant to be in the first place. It is as if we are leading our lives in a huge cosmic joke, trying our best to achieve something but ended up with nothing.

But I think we can seek comfort knowing that we have actually learnt something from our experiences. With Eid this year being one that I’m single again, I have to navigate back to how I was like before all of that happened which is to just trudged on these two days of Eid and immediately go back to work on the third day (I have been facing productivity problems as of late and I just can’t wait to get back on track.)

I think it is just sad that Eid this year will be the same like the Eid 2 years back. It just shows how 0 progress I have made in my life story. It sucks. It really sucks but I guess the lessons learnt from it is something that I can hold on to till I die.

Ah I’m sorry to put all of you in this sombre mood. Regardless, I’m just blessed to have supportive friends that understands me and could comfort me when I needed it. But then again, this Eid, my loneliness is even more apparent.

May our deeds in the past Ramadan be accepted and may we continue to grow into better people. May we not remain stagnant and may we achieve happiness. Amin.

Coming to terms

Life is full of contrasts. You need one to see the other. One cannot appreciate happiness without sadness.

I think I’m slowly coming to terms with this breakup. Life is usually filled with processes and not the end result. It is through the process that we learn. I guess entering this relationship was part of the process of making me into a better person.

I’ve been a broken person before and during the relationship but I think I failed to realise that and only seeing it after. By making me going through the process of falling in love, being emotionally attached to someone and then breaking up, Allah SWT might have wanted me to realise that I’ve been broken all along and that I haven’t been whole for a long time.

By going through this break up, He made me realise that I can never be dependent on someone else and the break up is what I needed to bring me back closer to Him.

We can never truly understand what He wants but my best guess is that the pain of this experience is for my own benefit and to make me a better person. I’ve strayed from the straight path for a very long time and it is about time I fixed my soul.

Life is full of contrasts and I guess throughout my time with her, I wasn’t able to appreciate the happiness that I had. I had never experienced the pain of a break up or any other emotional trauma and thus, I wasn’t able to truly appreciate her. I became too comfortable and slowly became insensitive. Only through this was I able to understand what it means to be in a relationship, to truly cherish one another and to truly give each other 100% attention. We might not have been meant for each other but I still cherish her and love her for tolerating me. This is a huge takeaway from this experience and I will definitely learn from it for my next relationship whenever that is.

Sigh. Regardless, it is hard to swallow but those are lessons that I really need to learn from. I had always been broken and I had always been ill-prepared for marriage and I wouldn’t have known otherwise without this experience.

I’m glad that I’m emotionally stable enough to learn but sadness still lingers of what could’ve been.

Thank you for everything, Syazana. May we continue to be close friends and be there for one another whenever needed. ♥