Is this an illusion?

To be honest, I’m not sure whether I’m literally overwhelmed by work or am I lying to myself about the amount of work I have.

I don’t know.

I’m feeling pretty confused, lost and unorganised. Everything seemed to be everywhere, all at the same time.

I know that I have to take things one at a time but it is getting hard when 1923193912 signals come to you at any one time.

Furthermore, there’re so many things that I want to do and so many things that I need to do but there’s so little time. I’m annoyed at how fast time flies. Heck, one example is now, it’s already Week 6?! Can you believe it? I’m still struggling to make sense of school and still trying to find the balance between everything that is happening in my life.

I’m just afraid that I lose the delicate balance of it all.

As of now, I can say that I am surviving but surviving is not what I want. I want to soar. I want to strive high. I want to feel confident that whatever I do will be my 100%. However, as of late, I don’t think that’s what I’m feeling. The lack of sleep, the rushing from class to class. The countless minor errands that I need to do on a daily basis. They’re slowly getting to me.

I’ve told my friends before that I honestly missed being in the library, to stay till late, just hustling and working. Unfortunately, I cannot do that as often anymore. Commitments call on me, stealing my time away from what’s important or is it?

Argh. Sometimes (actually, most of the time) I wish to be able to be awake for 24/7. Sometimes, I even wish that I can survive on just 4 hours of sleep, maybe on none at all! But I know my body better than anyone else, I can’t survive and be productive if I have less than 6 hours of rest. It’s annoying but I know that I have to clock in those sleep hours.

I should prioritise. I really think I should.

Okay, let’s prioritise then:

  1. School
    I have studies to handle. Recess Week is coming followed by Mid-Terms. I need to start revising.
  2. Silat
    Not that important anymore actually. I can afford to skip training. Hmm…
  3. NUSMS
    Just meetings and the like. Creatively-drained.
  4. Self
    I need to read. I miss reading so much. Oh ya, and blogging too.
  5. Social + Family
    Whenever needed.

I guess I have somewhat a priority list but darn it. I guess I have to really make my time spent more efficient. Every single period I have have to be used wisely. I really can’t afford to waste any more time.

Ya Allah, really please do help me. I can do this.

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If only you know

I think you do.

I think you know what I feel in my heart towards you.

I think you know how I feel about you but I can’t come to say it, I can’t come around to admit it.

I fear that it is a phase, an infatuation. I fear that it might be a moment of desperation, an emotional impulse of want instead of need, an obsession instead of controlled, real love.

How do I differentiate the fake from the real, the truth from lies if it’s related to the matters of the heart?

The matter of the heart is a tricky thing, it is as if you’re walking on thin ice, fearing that a small misjudged step can send you falling into the dark abyss. One cannot navigate on this path recklessly. Slow, careful thoughts have to be made and considered.

I have to be patient. I guess that’s the game I’m playing right now, to be patient.

Like I always do.

Bismillah

Tomorrow is a school day.

Can you believe it? After almost three months of being at home, school is finally here! As usual, I am excited. Excited for what’s to come, excited for the surprises, excited to see everyone again!

But before I dive too deep into my excitement, allow me to take a moment to reflect on the things that happened in the past three months.

My summer is nothing short of wonderful. It was full of work, hustle, and busyness, just the way I like it. Most of the time, it was back-to-back hustle, from iNvictUS 2017 to Silat, there was rarely a day where I just sit back, relax and chill. I was always on the move.

If I had nothing to do, I’d go out and shoot, catch up with friends, and just enjoy the beautiful company of others. But in the end, all that work was worth it.

I learnt so much more about photography, videography just by applying it on the field. By testing new techniques and conversing with like-minded friends, I managed to incorporate a style into my shots and edits. In the past, I never had a theme thinking that it was hard and cumbersome to maintain but once I had made my own preset, it’s pretty straightforward.

Anyway, as much work as I had to do during the summer holidays, I had fun too. The highlight was when I went to Japan with my secondary school mates. It was nothing short of beautiful. I loved every moment, I loved every scent, I loved every single aesthetic of Japan. If I was alone, I wouldn’t have left. It was just so pleasing to the eye. There are many photographs that I took from the trip, each one, a gem.

School is starting tomorrow and as excited I am for it, I am also worried. I am currently holding two exco positions in two separate CCAs (Silat and NUSMS), each having their own sets of activities and their own sets of commitments. On top of that, I have more own studies and the other staple commitments like family. Basically, it is a recipe for chaos. BUT, don’t worry, I have mentally prepped myself for the busyness to come because I know that in the end, it will all be worth it.

(Let me side-track a little)

In the past, I made a doa that I would want to join my school’s MSA and help others through it whilst strengthening my religion. Now, looking at where I am, Alhamdulillah, I think Allah SWT has blessed me greatly and answered my doa. Alhamdulillah.

(Side-track ends)

This semester is going to be challenging but again, Allah will not burden a soul more than it can bear, so I know that I will survive this. However, whether I leave unscathed is another question.

I need to be super focused this semester and not let any slip-ups happen. I cannot risk breaking down and tearing apart. I need to show myself and to everyone that I can do it. Ultimately, it is for the service to the community and yourself. Bismillah.

Tomorrow is going to be a new day and it better be really new.

 

Am I deserving of all of this? 

I don’t deserve all of this. 

All the opportunities presented to me, all the love, care, compassion, expectations… 

I don’t think I’m the right person for this job. I’m not clean. 

I know, I know, I shouldn’t doubt myself but I just can’t help it you see. These positions that were given to me are huge responsibilities, huge tasks that are only meant for people who truly deserves it. But do I really deserve it? 

Everyone faces their own problems, mistakes, sins, devils whom they have to fight on a daily basis and I think I’m losing to mine. I’ve been fighting since I was young, heck, I just wish I could turn back time and change what shouldn’t have happened.

A corrupt mind = a corrupt soul and I think mine is pretty much damaged. 

Okay fine, let me look at the bright side of things, maybe, maybe spending time with these beautiful, faithful bunch will help me move forward. It had helped me once before and insyaAllah it will help me this time once again. 

Ya Allah, I truly want to change, I want to stop being a hypocrite. I do taubat every single freaking day and heck, I still fail in the battle against the devil. Might this be a sign that I don’t love Allah SWT and his messenger SAW as much as I need to? Ya Allah, I really hope you guide me, cleanse my heart, my mind, my soul, show me the way to you, the straight path, the path of the believers and not of the disbelievers. 

I’m sorry. Really. I’m truly sorry for putting myself in the deep well that I’m in now. May Allah SWT forgive me, forgive my soul, forgive my body. 

I am at the edge, I truly am. I pray that I can start winning these battles. 

Happy Vibes

There are periods of my life where I will get the emotion of nostalgia and happiness, an emotion that I cannot truly describe. It is a yearning for something but at the same time knowing that I’ll still be happy even without getting whatever that something is.

The past week was one of those periods.

I yearn to be back in Japan, to experience the sights, sounds, people, culture and beauty of Japan. The aesthetics of that country is what I miss the most. Every single building, every single architecture, vehicles and even the trees seemed to be strategically placed just for the aesthetics. Temples are a beauty, the trains there are a beauty, the malls, the forests, the lakes, heck even the toilets are beautiful. It was as if I was living in an anime.

I was watching an anime entitled ‘Kimi no na wa’ or Your Name and I loved it. Apart from the awesome and beautiful story about a guy and a girl, the beauty of the movie also lay with the aesthetics of the sceneries and artwork. There were so many relatable locations like Tokyo Tower, the Oshiage Skytree, the JR lines, heck, I loved how close to reality the trains in the show are to the real thing. I still can’t believe that I experienced all of that IRL.

The nostalgia got stronger and I’m just glad that I was given the opportunity to experience Japan.

This reminds me that I have yet to edit and upload my shots from Japan. Heck, summer is ending.

Got to run fam.

Watch me.

Do you know what dreams are for?

Dreams give us an insight into what it might be if we have everything that we ever wanted.

Unfortunately, we cannot have everything that we want. In the end, they’ll just be dreams.

But the struggle to get everything drives life. The struggle to attain a little piece of our dreams keeps us alive. However, some of us will get close to achieving our dreams, so very close and they’re the lucky ones.

I dream of so many things, oh so many. Sometimes, I think I dream more than I strive.

This time it is going to be different.

Year 2 is going to be really different. I’m going to put those dreams into reality. I really will.

Just watch me.

 

Surprises, Nostalgia

I don’t know why but as of late, I’ve been feeling rather nostalgic. It’s a really nice feeling, somewhat heart-warming but sometimes annoying. It is a yearning for something, something that I have yet to discover.

There are many things that I want but I know that I have to be patient. I’m only 22 and there are so much more paths for me to discover. Don’t limit. Be open.

Oh gosh, I’m really excited for what the future has for me. Gosh, I just hope the surprises Allah SWT have for me are good.

Do not rush. Be patient, it’ll be rewarding.

I’m rushing to feel how it is like to be in a relationship. I’m rushing to feel that ‘spark of life’ that everyone talks about when they’re in love. I’m rushing and wanting to know how it is like, how magical they portrayed it to be.

But I know I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t as it is for my own good.

Such things shouldn’t be rushed. Such things can and should wait.

Wait for what you might ask?

For the right time.

I received a splendid advice from a friend of mine recently about relationships. He is getting married next year so I think his advice is pretty legit.

I’m paraphrasing but he said that if you want to be in a relationship, you have to have the intention of marrying the person you’re in a relationship with. If not, it will just be a waste of time. All fun and games. Put forth that intention to the other party clearly. Tell them your intention and see whether they are interested in your proposition. If not, they are not worth your time. Ultimately, people should enter a relationship because of marriage and not for the fun and games which can lead to maksiat, one way or another.

He said that I have to be patient. Build a strong foundation first. Fix yourself, build yourself up, get a career, have savings, do what you really want and then propose when you think you are ready.

You might ask, what if someone takes her away from you? He said to keep her close. To always be in her social circle. If she is meant for you, Allah SWT will make it easy for you at the right time. So be patient.

And I guess that is what I will be doing. It isn’t practical at all to be in a relationship now. It’ll affect school, family and so on and so forth. It is better to move from one chapter of life to the next, one by one, and not mash them up altogether.

Be patient, Hakim. May Allah SWT guide you to the right path. Amin.