ya Allah… I’m so sorry… ya Allah… I’m so sorry… ya Allah… I’m so sorry…

ya Allah… I’m so sorry… ya Allah… I’m so sorry… ya Allah… I’m so sorry…

ya Allah… I’m so sorry… ya Allah… I’m so sorry… ya Allah… I’m so sorry…

for I have not pleased You and all fault is on me, my weaknesses, my failures are all because I have lost my way from You.

Ya Allah… please forgive me for if You do not forgive, I’m amongst the losers.

Ya Allah… this trial is painful. I know you did this so that I can come back to You but oh Ya Allah… how painful it is, how disappointing it is…

Ya Allah… please please return me back on to the straight path, I have lost my way and I only need You to guide me back. My soul is weak and my nafs is strong, I need Your help.

please

Advertisements

Promised not to fall for you,

But every time I look at you,

I don’t know what I’ll do,

If I can’t be with you.

Sigh

the arts?

I have been thinking about it… thinking about what kind of home I want my future house to be.

will it be a simple home, a minimalistic one?

will it be filled up with musical instruments and the arts?

will it be a home full of my own works and inspirations?

or will it just be a humble and neat one?

I have started to think about it when I begin to realise that the extent and quality of an individual’s life is the skills that they possess. There is this one individual from Sweden that I’d discovered on Youtube. She can do so many things from paintings to photography to cooking. It is awe-inspiring and sometimes I wonder if I will be able to reach her level of skills and talents one day?

Maybe I should treat life as a game, a thinking whereby we reach out and grab as much practical skills that we can be it in the arts or the sciences. We should dive deep into the knowledge of this world and express ourselves through our works. My heart has been wanting to express itself through more than photography. It wants to express in paintings, written words, music and even theatrical pieces. I have 0 experience in any of the above but that’s what my heart yearns. Whenever I feel removed from this world, my heart sought the laptop so that I can begin writing and putting my thoughts into words. But sometimes, it wants to do more than that. My heart wants to write poems, songs and paint. Hm…

Maybe I should take some classes and begin diving deeper into the arts because it is one thing to appreciate it but another to truly be with it.

Seeing without glasses

sometimes I wish that I can write a song for you just to let you know my inner feelings and chaotic it is inside.

sometimes I wish that you can see me in the time when I’m alone just so that you know that I’m always thinking about you.

sometimes I wish that you can love me the way I love you just so you know that you’re not alone in this.

sometimes I just wish that I can know your thoughts so that I know that you’re okay.

but sometimes, we can’t have everything that we want. sometimes… things happen just because… and sometimes things happen because He wants to teach you lessons.

it is easy to say that we have moved on, to verbally announce that the past is the past and that we are moving onwards on the path of self-development. But we all know that that isn’t the truth. The pain still lingers and the memories of what could’ve been playing in your mind vying for attention. sometimes those thoughts win and you are then caught up in a loop of sadness as you replay sad song after sad song…

but sometimes you caught hold of the light, you embraced it and you grow relentlessly…

the truth is that to move on is a very tough thing to do because everything you do reminds you of her. kinda sucks? yeh.

it is like waking up with a cloud over your head, you are not able to truly see clearly but you have to. you live your life squinting and trying to make sense of the blurryness of it all.

it is sad I know but I guess the lessons learnt is much more fulfilling and whatever that may come will definitely be better than the past. I’m open to anything and everything that happen from now on and I know that He will never purposely put His slave into trying times unless it is for the slave’s own good.

I just wish that sometimes I get clearer signs from Allah SWT, guiding me and telling me what to do so that I can do it with full conviction. I also wish that I’m closer to Him. I want to but sometimes I fall through the cracks. I want to be a good person, a nice person, a person loved by many. It is hard but I sometimes just wish I am a different person, a sedated version of myself. Sigh.

May we always continue to grow and be better. Always. Amin.

It couldn’t have ended any other way

We stumble in life and go about our way seemingly caught up in the busyness of it all not realising that sometimes our happily ever after is just around the corner.

Sometimes we are caught up in the past reminiscing of what could’ve been when in all honesty, it couldn’t have ended any other way. We hold on to what we think is good for us and not allowing what’s best for us to come.

The flaw of human beings is that we will never be able to see past the present for that ability only resides in Allah SWT. But it never stopped us from trying…

We try to predict the future and see what could’ve been not realising that it couldn’t be.

Sigh.

A lesson that I still need to learn.

It’s that smile…

I cannot see you smile without remembering of what could’ve been. I’m sorry, I just can’t.

I want you to be happy but that smile… It takes my breath away every time.

😦

am I but a passing memory? a failed experiment that has been abandoned?

I seek comfort in knowing that one day everyone will eventually be forgotten and that I’m not the only one.

as we peel back the curtains, we will slowly rediscover who we are.

and sometimes, we might not like what we find.