it is comforting to be sad but it is also exhausting.

love shouldn’t be plagued with so much difficulty. If it is meant to be, it shouldn’t put you through so much pain. Forcing something that is not meant to be will just destroy you and I guess I have destroyed myself in the process.

i have lost so much of who I am. To be so obsessed over someone shouldn’t be the case. it has to feel like home. i never felt like home.

i always felt as if I needed to do better, that I was not good enough and not trying hard enough. definitely there were times when that was the case but there were also times when I feel as if I was inadequate. (redflag). I should have seen it. I should have known. these are the remnants of what could’ve been and I truly want this to end. I’m exhausted of feeling this way and being reminded of what could have been. it is regret working but then what’s the point in regretting? what’s the point of feeling remorse over something that had already happened and something that can never be fixed again. it is impossible to wish for a time machine and change everything. why then do we mourn?

i guess we cared too much and we have grown attached. it is as if a part of us died along with it. and I guess a part of us did die. well, figuratively. we lost our identity and we feel pain every step of the way. i guess it has gotten better since then but again, the next challenge rears its head. gahhh.

i can do this. i can do this.

2020

I began this journey to Korea with the hopes of being closer to Allah SWT and His Messenger SAW. I began this journey with the intention to better myself and truly learn how to be independent in a foreign country. I began this journey in the hopes that I can cleanse my heart from all the sins that I have committed in the past but after today, I do not think I have tried hard enough.

As I typed this, we have entered the 2nd of January 2020 and like every other new year, we hoped to start it off strongly. However, I do not think I did. Instead, I faltered. I feel a sense of betrayal towards myself and a sense of lack of self-control. I do not think I can discipline myself long enough and these kinds of things always happen when I am tired and stressed out. Unfortunately, as of late, that comes a bit too often.

I have to admit that I am mentally weak. It was proven during silat competitions and now it will prove itself to be true yet again in terms of self-awareness and self-improvement. It will rear its ugly head again when I am feeling exhausted and vulnerable.

To be completely honest, I am exhausted. Exhausted from my lack of self-discipline, lack of self-control, lack of focus and the lack of everything that is good. I wanted to be a better person both spiritually and physically but I am truly failing in both. I have severed my connection with Allah SWT countless times and it is truly becoming exhausting to restart all over again. I truly regret and I truly repent though I still commit the same mistakes over and over again. It is unfortunate that there are somethings that I cannot control. I am truly enslaved by my own self.

I think in many aspects of my life, I have become the shadow of a person I once was. I am no longer as driven, I procrastinate a lot and I no longer find joy in the things I once loved to do. One example is my business. I have always loved doing photography but as of late, I have been chasing the money and that is not something that fulfils me in the long run. The money comes and as quickly as it comes, it goes… I have lost the motivation to better myself further anymore and it sucks. My passion for it is slowly dying and I hate it. It was that one thing that I loved but now… not as much anymore.

I am truly a shadow of my former self.

Maybe in this post, I will have to admit many things and maybe by admitting them I can truly move on.

Firstly, I think my readers and my close friends would know that I still have some feelings for my ex. Not much but it is there, unfortunately. I know that I shouldn’t anymore and truly I’m trying. I’m trying with all my heart and I think she is too. To be completely honest, if she were to change her mind about me and come back to me, I would accept her with open arms but I know that that shouldn’t be the case. The relationship didn’t work for a reason and I truly have to accept it. In retrospect, there were many things that didn’t work out and for me to feel as if I’m on thin ice all the time, it sucks. And I think I still love her because I created this fantasy around her which should be proof enough that such a relationship is based on lies and fantasies that I had built. And even if the outcome would be the opposite, it will happen regardless maybe some time in the future, I don’t know but I’m surely not waiting or hoping for that. I guess I am tired of waiting anymore, of being the person that I am not around her and doing things out of sheer necessity. I just hope that I’m right this time. (Edit: I’ve received news that her heart is somewhere else and I hope that that should be enough for me to completely let go. If I don’t let go now, it will ruin me. Also, I just hope that I don’t feel this way about her or about whoever she will be with in the future because everything happens for a reason. It is time to let go. Though, I’m truly happy for her.

Secondly, I have consistently broken the connection with Allah SWT. It sucks because I truly want to go closer to Him but because of this habit/behaviour that I have since young, it has prevented me from doing so. Maybe 2020 is the year? I will have to set a goal and I will have to achieve it. I think 2020 is the year and I’m done. It has been happening for a freaking decade and it is about time this disease of the heart stops.

I feel destroyed and defeated about what has been happening in my life. As much good as I want to see in 2019, I also can’t help of remembering the bad. It is sad, truly. 2019 has truly been full of drama and chaos. It also includes broken relationships, friendships and everything in between. It was truly a total blur. If I’m being honest, I cruised through 2019 without much thought of developing myself further nor striving hard for something. I was a total laze and I hate it. I truly hate my 2019 self.

I always wanted to be a better person but I lacked the attention span, the motivation and just the planning on how to do so. Furthermore, I’ve been trying to find Allah SWT all these while but it bears no fruit. The droning ‘urgh’ feeling that I have in my heart is still there. The disease can only continue to grow and fester. And I truly hope this year will be different. I have to put in the effort.

Honestly, I’m tired of the drama, the problems that people are facing and the issues that involves me. I’m tired of it all. I just want to rest and mind my own business. Sigh. And if being in Korea does not help, I don’t know what will. Unfortunately, it hasn’t.

People offload onto me their issues and asked for advice but i guess there’s a flaw in that which is I have no one to turn to and ask for advice.

Hmm… let me think.

  1. Read
    I think I have always wanted to read as many books as possible be it fiction or non-fiction but I think this time round I have to quantify it. 24 books in 12 months? That sounds about reasonable. That’s about 2 books per month. I think that can be done. Furthermore, it would include both fiction and non-fiction. Yea. I think that’ll work. Okay, to be honest, I am excited for this.
  2. Recite
    I have always wanted to recite as fluently as possible but I have yet to be able to reach that level. This time I have been practising almost every single day and I’m not so sure whether I am improving because there are some days where I’m cruising through the passages but there are other days that I’m kind of being a bit slow. Hmm… but this year I want to recite fluently and insyaAllah with the proper grammatical notations, tajweed and the like.

    How can I do this?
    I think by hiring a teacher which I would do promptly after Korea.
  3. Memorise Surah Yaseen
    I’m currently at Verse 23 I think and I have 60 more verses to go. I think memorising the surah is just a fun little experiment for me and not so much of anything else. I’ve always loved this surah and it might come in handy, insyaAllah.
  4. Build a Business
    I have a few things in mind. Firstly, it is the podcast, I want to develop it as much as possible and ensure that it is sustainable enough to be handed down.

    Also, I need to do something about my photography business. It is a bit hard to get off but insyaAllah if I put in the right effort, it will be something, at least.

    To build these, I need a few things. I need graphics and videos to promote the podcast and I need a system that allows us to cycle through information.
  5. Get a Job
    2020 is the year that I’ll be graduating and it will also be the year whereby I would have to apply for countless jobs and try to support myself in this vicious world. I would also need that money for my future marriage, whenever that will be. So, I better start now.

    I need to prepare my resume and start sending in applications.

Okay, I think for now, those are my resolutions. I’m sure I’ll think of other things along the way but now, I need to lift off some things off my shoulders, some emotions that are burdening me.

🙂

Love?

I don’t get to say this often because I don’t know who to tell it to but I feel that there are many people around me that are facing so much problems in their lives in relation to love… especially unrequited love. I feel that with every of such situation, there is a certain degree of expectation and when those expectations were not met, they destroyed themselves and questioned their worth.

I feel that fundamentally it is because they have attached their love too much to the creation that they forget about the real love which is to the Creator. I mean, I myself have faced that before. To attach my own heart to the creation will just bring disappointment. This is because the creation is not perfect and it can never provide us with what we want. Ultimately, to love someone, we have to love Allah SWT first. Not even loving ourselves but loving Allah SWT. Why? Because if we were to love ourselves first, we can get obsessed and be disappointed sometimes because of our own limitations. Our minds might expect us to be a certain way but there will always be that tendency for us to act other than what we expect. There are also certain physical limitations that we might have and thus, leading to a disconnect between the mind and the body. Ultimately, there will always be that risk of disappointment.

Unfortunately, many of us are stuck in that cycle of loving the creation so much such that when that other person no longer want to be in the relationship anymore, they destroyed themselves as if a part of them had died. The attachment that they had with that other person broke their heart and all the dreams, expectations and hopes vanished. I think I blogged about that once. I felt like I died. Like my heart is completely numb. It sucks because you literally felt like you’re being torn apart and the emotional pain that was felt materialised into real pain that was felt in the chest.

Sigh.

Love for the creation is truly a drug.

And most of us are unknowingly addicted to it.

And so, how does one love Allah SWT?

By loving His Messenger SAW for he is the best of creation and one whose steps we can try to emulate, insyaAllah.

Sowing the Seeds of Faith

I’m reading ‘A Treasury of Ghazali’ and it has some deep thoughts within it.

One such topic that had been discussed is on the topic of sowing the seeds and reaping it during the Day of Judgement. He likened our faith as sowing good seeds and likened our innate hearts as that of fertile land for planting when we were born before society and culture corrupts us.

Therefore, to have hope is to sow our faith into our good hearts and to always tend and care for it trusting in Allah. This means that we have to put in the effort in taking care of our faith while hoping that Allah SWT will forgive our sins.

As for those who do not have a good heart nor tending to their seeds of faith, he likened it to stupidity and delusion. It is delusion to have hope that Allah SWT will forgive you.

And as for those who have a good heart but does not tend to their seeds of faith nor nurture them so that they develop, he likened it to wishful thinking to expect anything out of that.

Therefore, we have to put in the constant effort to tend to it so that we can have hope and expect that Allah SWT will show us the fruits of our labour. InsyaAllah.

“… And what is the world except the enjoyment of delusion.”
–Quran [57:20]

Goal Setting

It is actually kind of late here in Korea. But there is just this one thing that I have been thinking about.

We are the way we are because of our small minute decisions that we make on a daily basis. We become productive because we chose to be productive. We become lazy because we chose to become lazy. We become motivated because we chose to be motivated. Many of these seemingly small actions will culminate into something big.

Since I have arrived in Korea, I haven’t been making the best of decisions. It has become somewhat hard for me to discipline myself. I let myself go too much and even though the detrimental effects have yet to be felt, I know that it will be bad if this goes on.

Firstly, it is the lack of planning. Aside from my school that has technically been planned for me, I have yet to plan how am I going to achieve the goals that I have set for myself. In the past, I have always been the one to have plans but as of late, I haven’t been motivated to plan and press ahead with the plans. This is something that I need to revive in myself.

Secondly, the lack of motivation. I realised that I have been slacking a lot. Even in the past semester which I did pretty well, I have been slacking. And even though, Alhamdulillah, it has not really affected my CAP, it has however, affected my emotional and mental state. I have not been as driven as I was before. That spark to succeed is long dead and there must be a way to revive it back. I think I have lost that youthful glow and energy.

So here’s the thing. I have all these goals that I want to achieve but with no plan. Maybe it is now the time for me to plan them.

  1. Memorise Surah Ya-Seen
    I have memorised 19 or so verses as of now there is still much more to go (I think there’s 89 verses). I think what I can do is to memorise 2-3 new verses per day. It is going to be a bit challenging but I think it can be done, insyaAllah.
  2. Read
    I have planned to read a lot and I think I need to make conscious effort of this. Maybe 1 hour of solid reading time in the morning before going to school and such. I think that is okay. I brought 4 books over. I will have to finish all those 4, insyaAllah. Furthermore, to make sure I have thought and learnt the lessons from those books, I think I ought to blog about them.
  3. Build the Podcast
    Currently, I am interested in building the podcast for NUSMS. Though I am unsure yet of the structure that would be behind it, I envisioned it to be self-run with their own sponsors and a constant number of streamers.
  4. Build my business
    There are several things that I need for my business to grow. First, a website. I need a website that can showcase my skills and my works. I would also need to reach out to others to work as second photographer and learn the ropes.

Even in a foreign country, I was able to destroy my own heart. This is disappointing.

I want to be someone new but the past keeps on haunting.

This will be hard. Very hard.

I hate this feeling a lot.

Really.

This phone is toxic.