Emotions are Messy

Emotions are messy,

They are not as straightforward,

clear,

or precise,

as rationality.

Emotions fluctuate,

never in the same state,

always moving about,

up and down and around.

Emotions are unreliable,

doing things that aren’t subtle,

making you feel things that you know you shouldn’t,

making you do things that you know you couldn’t.

And emotions can betray you,

leaking out your deepest secrets,

when you’re at your weakest,

But knowing best,

that it is a test,

will put your mind at rest,

and may Allah grant you success.

 

 

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A Rainy Day

It was pouring.

I arrived in school, drenched.

It was really cold.

But it was beautiful.

The howling of the wind, the growling of thunder, the sound of the rain beating against the roof. It was like a call for contemplation.

It was so peaceful too. Rainy days bring such a wonderful mood to a place. A mood of calm and relaxation. Some people talked idly about their lives in almost hushed tones, some complaining about the rain, but all in all, I guess, they were glad that it rained.

I personally loved the rain. The intense chaos of it ironically brings much peace to the mind. I guess it had something to do with how the weather kept the sky cloudy, and oh, have I talked about the wonderful smell of rain?

Well, I digress.

Today was a great day. Amidst the chaos of the mind and the confusion of the soul for the past few days, I managed to rally myself up and get some work done. Alhamdulillah.

I need to remind myself of my purpose in university and of my goals and intentions. I need to renew my motivation and drive.

A painful lesson for myself: humility

I started this blog because I treasure memories and I wanted to record them down for my future self to read.

But for that to work effectively, I have to be 100% open and truthful too.

So, let me be just that.

There’s a lesson that I believe has been one of the hardest for me to digest and practice, which is the lesson of humility.

Death and prayer bring humility to the soul of a person. However, I have yet to truly grasp the essence of being humble. To know how to be humble is one thing but to truly practise the art of humility is another.

It is even more so when the urge to get recognition, validation from others will continue poking at you like an annoying little brother. I guess, it just shows how deep I have dived into this world of gratification and a habit I’m trying hard to break.

I guess it all started when I begin to realise that having people associating you with your work is a confidence booster. It truly is. But, slowly and surely, it will become something that consumes you as your work is now more focused on capturing the attention of others instead of honest and sincere work.

Once you get that validation ball rolling, your humility will slowly disappear. And that is something that I truly fear.

In National Service, I was always taught and told to be humble, to respect others and bring yourself low. This lesson was especially important for officers like me. In retrospect, however, I guess it was a lesson that I did not embody and I truly regretted that. Maybe my life in NS would have been vastly different otherwise.

In Islam too, we were taught be humble, to bring ourselves down to the level of others, to speak kindly and on the same frequency as the person we’re talking to.

There are still so much more that I can learn to embody the art of humility. A lesson that I’m painstakingly trying to master.

I guess, it all takes time. All I have to do is persevere on.

I will also try to be sincere in my craft. To put aside the thought of validation and do it sincerely, for the sake of my future self.

Nothing humbles us more…

A passing of a young life has always and will always have a profound effect on my emotions no matter who that person is.

It scares me to know that our life can be taken away from us, anytime, anywhere, at any place and if we allow that fear to grow and propagate, we will paralyse ourselves.

However,

By remembering that such a thing will happen to each and every one of us one day will humble us. It will remind us that we are not as powerful, as brave, as healthy, as intelligent, as we think we are.

For me, such an unfortunate loss constantly reminds me of how pathetic we are, how weak we are, how powerless we are in the face of Him. It reminds me of how our miserable lives are at His mercy.

A young life lost is a lesson gained for all of us who are still alive. We can learn so much from the beauty of that young life, from the way they interacted with others, the way they held trust to the will of God, the way they smile, laugh and listen as if they weren’t the ones going. There’s so much we can learn from their mannerisms, their wisdom, and even though amidst their last days, their unyielding youth.

As they move on to their next phase as a creation of God, we might ask, what happens now?

Now, we can pray, seek forgiveness, repent, and supplicate. We can be aware of who we are and what we want to achieve in this life that will never last. We can realise that dream, our dream.

Understand your purpose, be kind, be good, be humble.

 

 

What should be our Goal?

Happiness.

Just that, happiness.

It really doesn’t matter what our careers are, what our level of education is, where we live or even how rich we are, all that matters is whether we are happy with where we are currently.

This is also a reminder for me.

As I get swept away with the pains and disappointments of school, I tend to forget what truly matters. I get carried away with the things that should be a priority.

And happiness should be the priority.

I’m Afraid.

Hey,

I’m afraid.

Afraid of everything.

I’m afraid of the expectations people have of me, I have of me.

I’m afraid of failing. Afraid of not being able to keep my word. Afraid that I will not be able to achieve what I said I want to achieve.

I’m afraid of looking like a joke.

I’m afraid of being that person who has a big mouth and all he can and will do is talk.

I’m afraid that I will not be a man of action, the person I truly aspire to be.

I’m afraid, I really am.